How to Hold a Wake for a Pet Toad

When an amphibious friend passes on, it isn’t always enough to inter; sometimes a wake is needed to celebrate that special toad.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Age-appropriate beverages
• A shovel
• light refreshments
• A burial site

1. Bury the pet toad quickly after death has occurred; dead amphibians shrivel, dry unattractively and smell. Bury deeply where pets are unlikely to disturb the earth. A casket is optional.
2. Mark the burial location with a special stone or tablet; this both decorates the grave, and prevents you from disinterring a dead pet. A temporary marker can serve while a custom gravestone is being prepared.
   
   
3. Invite those who care for the toad’s owner (and loved/admired/tolerated the toad) to gather and celebrate the passing of a friend. Formal invites aren’t necessary; toads are casual animals, and appreciate informality.
   
   
4. Provide light refreshments and beverages to toast the toad and wish him well into a better world.
   
   
5. Comfort his or her bereaved owner by remembering the toad's natural beauty, the good times they had together, and the humor that resulted from frequent escapes and the cleaning mishap involving a wet floor, a broken aquarium and Aunt Hilda's bath.
   
   

Tips & Warnings

• When at a loss for what to say in praise of the deceased, remember all the things the toad didn't do: he or she didn't poop all over the lawn, shred the drapes, leave the toilet seat up or dirty every dish in the house. All in all, a very nice housemate.
• Beware the urge to minimize the occasion; comments like “It was only a toad” can better be made in private.
• Be careful where you step! A fresh grave is soft; a misstep could lead to an embrassing and grotesque scene.
• Do not be too obvious if this passing is a joyous occasion; the owner will not appreciate your glee, which can lead to tears, guilt and a puppy.
• This is for entertainment purposes only; follow your heart when celebrating the passing of a pet, not my advice.