How to Not Get Sicker at the Pediatrician's Office

Every parent knows the pediatrician’s office is a cesspool of roiling germs, but if you follow these simple tips, you may leave the doctor’s office with only the bugs you came with.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Age-appropriate books, toys, snacks and drawing materials for your child
• Electronic portable entertainment systems
• Large purse or satchel
• Sanitizing wipes

1. As you enter the medical building or office, remind your offspring firmly to “Touch nothing!” If bribery works for your child, this is a good time to use it.
2. Take your child to sit on your lap in a chair, but do not touch the arms of the chair or allow your child to do so. With small children, tell them “Hot!” to discourage touching.
3. Remove from your large purse or satchel the snacks, books and drawing materials you placed there in advance of the appointment.
4. Pay absolute attention to your child; do not let your mind wander, or he might!
5. Maintain this position until the nurse calls you into the examination room, using force if necessary.
6. Sit in the exam room chair, with your child on your lap, hands restrained, until the physician or nurse enters the room, then lift and place child directly onto exam table.
7. Release your child during medical examination, and hope the pediatrician is a good hand washer.
8. When doctor leaves, promptly take child by the hand, move swiftly through the open doorway, sprint down the hall and out the door, before child can touch tempting toys, aquariums or play areas. Make it fun by calling it a race.
9. Once outside, pull sanitizing wipes from satchel or handbag and wipe your hands, wipe your child’s hands, wipe any part of you that touched the floor or chairs, just in case.

Tips & Warnings

• If you must stand at a desk to make a co-pay or for a prescription, don’t be afraid to carry your child, restrain with a leash, or suggest he or she “play doggie at your feet” during the wait.
• For a really active preschooler (and when another bout of stomach flu will drive you to drink), a belt makes a handy restraint.
• Ignore the slack-jawed stares of the other parents who are allowing their children to play with toys teeming with bacteria, while your child struggles in your arms. In ten days you’ll be smiling, they’ll be up to their elbows in bodily fluids.
• For children too large for a lap (or of an age when sitting on mommy's lap is social suicide), place them on a corner of the carpet and provide electronic entertainment, which can keep young hands busy and away from the plague.
• Too many sanitizing wipes can be a bad thing – avoid wiping down entire child, some bacteria help keep a body healthy.
• Think before scooting off to the doctor; the flu your child has today may be nothing compared to the streptococcal bacteria thriving in the pediatric waiting room. Call the advice nurse first, to see if a visit is really warranted.
• Know the laws in your state regarding child abuse, and keep restraint methods within legal and humane limits. (We are kidding, of course!)
• Take this advice with a heavy pinch of salt, use common sense where germs are concerned and wash hands frequently.