How to Choose the Right Color of Roses

Thanks to the wonders of selective breeding (usually conducted by stooped, elderly ladies with sturdy spades and limitless supplies of energy), roses today come in more colors than your average cell phone, each bearing a specific message. Lest you send a bouquet to your beloved that says "I want you and your family dead" rather than "I love the way you crinkle your nose when you laugh," here's a quick guide to the appropriate horticultural hues.

Things You'll Need

• Dozen Roses
• Greeting Cards

Instructions

1. Red. The most familiar of all roses, these crimson beauties convey a very simple message: "I love you." While it might seem romantic to present your girlfriend with a single, perfect red rose, she'll just wonder why you just didn't want to spring for the whole bouquet-so don't try this technique without including another big gift, like a car.

2. Orange or coral. Rather than rushing that girl at the lounge shouting "Wow! You're hot!," consider investing in a dozen orange (or "coral," as they're sometimes called by connoisseurs) roses. This color connotes desire, which the recipient will hopefully figure out when she calls her girlfriend or mom afterward.

3. White. Sure, a dozen white roses seems like an elegant gift, but be aware that this color stands for innocence and purity-which may not make it an appropriate choice for someone you'd like to, well, you know. However, white roses carry a subsidiary meaning of secrecy, making them ideal for a furtive rendezvous with your not-so-pure honey.

4. Pink. Deep pink roses say "thank you," so consider sending them after you've rendered the issue of white roses moot. Light pink roses are the sissiest roses you can send, connoting joy, sweetness, grace, yadda yadda. What kind of guy sends pink roses, for chrissakes? Be a man.

5. Yellow. Never, ever send yellow roses to someone you're interested in romantically; these babies connote friendship, pure and simple. However, a bouquet of yellow roses could be an excellent choice for someone you're planning to dump immediately after Valentine's Day.

6. Black. These kind of roses may go well with your beloved's evening gown, but as you probably guessed, their connotation of death and mourning puts them somewhat at odds with the holiday spirit. (Technically, black roses aren't really black, but a very deep shade of red.)

7. Blue. If your girlfriend is a big Dungeons & Dragons fan, consider bestowing upon her this rarest of all roses, which is actually closer to lilac in color. A blue rose (according to the cabal of stoop-backed old ladies that decides this stuff) connotes mystery and impossibility.