How to Write a Fruitcake Joke

At the end of each year, fruitcake begins to appear and we are all forced to face its strange texture, its awkward gift quality and its proper disposal. Whether or not you like fruitcake, it's a great target for holiday jokes. So take a shot at the holiday's favorite (?) dessert and write your own fruitcake joke.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1. Consider what is funny about fruitcake. Look for unusual perspectives on the dessert, like its density, alcohol content, alternate uses, social placement, etc.

2. Decide what type of joke structure to use. A knock-knock joke, a 'What's the difference between a fruitcake and a ...' joke, a situational joke (So there's this fruitcake...) or a denominational joke (A priest, a rabbi and a fruitcake are on an island...). Read other jokes for ideas of structure and see how a fruitcake fits in.

3. Write the setup, or introduction. The introduction should not be longer than one or two lines. Use short words and keep your syllable count low.

4. Write the punch line. The punch-word, or word that contains the central concept of the punch line, should be placed at the end of the punch line. In this case, it just may be "fruitcake."

5. Say the joke out loud to yourself a few times, then try it out on a trusted friend. We cannot emphasize "trusted" enough. Ask your friend if the joke is funny. Demand an honest opinion.

6. Take your finished fruitcake joke into the world. Publish it on the Web or send it around in an email. Share it with your friends and family during the holidays.

7. Read section 2 for a great example of a classic fruitcake joke, formed as a recipe.

"Fruitcake" recipe

8. Assemble the following items: 1 cup of water, 1 cup of sugar, 4 large brown eggs, 2 cups of dried fruit, 1 teaspoon of salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, 1 cup of nuts and 1 bottle of whiskey.

9. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

10. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

11. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

12. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

13. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Tips & Warnings

• Certain individuals are strongly opposed to fruitcake jokes. They generally wear very silly hats and hide under chairs. Do not tell your fruitcake joke to these people.

on 12/19/2005 Q: How many fruitcakes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: All six of them.

on 12/19/2005 What do you get if you cross a fruitcake with a beefcake?

A Richard Simmons workout video.

on 12/16/2005 Topical Humor is always popular.
What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and fruitcake?

Fruitcake doesn't always have rum in it.

Or if you have liberal friends:

What do fruitcake and Hitler have in common?
Bush is an idiot! What were we talking about?

on 11/22/2005 A fruitcake walks into a bar, throws himself on the counter, counter breaks in two. "What are you, nuts?", said the bartender. "Yes, and jellies and fruits and - "the fruitcake replied before the bartender yelled,"Look, get out of here, you reek of rum!" "I'll be back next year, and every year", shouted the fruitcake.

on 11/22/2005 I visited my friend in rural Iowa last Christmas. We went into town. As we got out of the car, she locked all the doors - something I'd never seen before. I asked her why. She replied, "If I don't, when I come back, my car will be filled with fruitcakes."