How to Talk to Your Child About Sex

More than 25 percent of 15-year-olds have had sexual intercourse - many start as early as age 12 or 13 - so it's wise to broach the subject of sexual responsibility early.

Difficulty: Moderately challenging

Instructions

1. Prepare for this important conversation beforehand by thinking through what questions your child may have, and gathering any information you may need to answer them clearly.

2. Ask what your child knows about sex so you'll have a starting point. Depending on your child's age and knowledge level, you might begin by explaining the physical aspects of sex, or answering questions about this - even older kids may be unclear on some points. Be direct and use the exact words for sex organs so there's no room for misinterpretation.

3. If your child is mature enough, discuss the emotional side of sexual intimacy. Acknowledge that sex can be pleasurable, but point out that emotions surrounding it can at times be complicated, confusing or even wrenching, and that these issues may be more difficult to deal with if a teen becomes sexually active early. Remind your child that it's up to him or her to decide when he or she is ready for sex, and to stick to that resolution, even if it means resisting peer pressure or pressure from a girlfriend or boyfriend.

4. Remind your teen that there is never any excuse for pressuring or coercing someone into sex. Make it clear that if your teen is coerced into sex, he or she is not to blame - and should not continue in that relationship.

5. Address the topic of pregnancy. Adolescents are often incapable of thinking far into the future. Familiarize your child with the possible consequences of living for the moment. Discuss contraceptive options, and remind your adolescent that none of these are foolproof.

6. Explain the risks of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Teens account for about one-quarter of the 20 million new cases of sexually transmitted diseases annually. Stress that abstinence is a viable option and that contraceptives are always available. Even if you emphasize abstinence, make sure your teen understands how to protect himself or herself when he or she does decide to become sexually active.

7. Anticipate questions your child might have, whether those involve facts or advice about decision making, and be prepared to provide concrete answers and support. If you don't have answers to every question, consult your family doctor, a therapist, or a medical book or Web site that specializes in this area.

8. Strive to maintain open lines of communication with your teen. Make sure he or she knows that you are always available for advice or assistance, whether that means sorting out relationship issues or finding a reliable form of contraception.

Tips & Warnings

• Your primary goal as a responsible parent should be to provide your teen with enough information to make intelligent choices. Clarifying your own thoughts and values beforehand will help you decide on the exact message to convey. This, in turn, will help you avoid delivering an ambiguous message that could be challenged or, worse, ignored.
• Avoiding this topic could have strong negative effects, such as your child becoming pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

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[temysmom]

on 8/26/2009 I'm going through this now with my daughter... trying to explain sex to her. I hate this part of parenting, but I know that how I handle this will set the tone for our entire relationship.

[bnparty]

on 6/26/2009 WONDERFUL article! I think all parents need to read this.
Another pointer, if you have young children who ask any questions at all, answer them. Keep the answers short, if they have more questions they will ask. Telling them it's not appropriate to talk about such things means they will not feel comfortable approaching you in the future. Keep the communication lines open, but only answer the minimum until they are old enough to fully understand.

[2009sandragrany]

on 5/14/2009 I HAVE A SITUATION I DONOT KNOW TO DEAL WITH. MY GRANDKIDS MET THIS BOY TWO MONTHS AGO. I CAUGHT HIM

[alfd13]

on 1/24/2007 Hold up..Wait a minute.... i no i would never want to hear my parents do that to me. i would be mortified. if i were a parent id stick to the school programs, the teachers are usually young and very helpful. they r trained to make you feel comfortable with the subject. and they make it fun! im a girl in middle school and my health teacher was a 27 year old guy. our classes were coed, but it was easy to talk and you werent pressured to talk about stuff if you didnt want to. actually we had a ton of discussions and you dont even realize what you were talking about.

In short, teachers were trained to make these talks comfortable and easy. The went to school for it and have all the answers.....LET THE SCHOOLS TALK then if you child has anything else to say they will be comfortable saying it to you because they talked about it with their whole class.

on 8/8/2006 If you broach the subject of sex at an early age, it can help make the more important talks later on in the teenage years far less uncomfortable for everyone. Make it clear that you are going to talk about it and that you promise to never, ever, misuse the trust they put in you if there's ever a question.