How to Be a Nuisance When Rescuing a River Raft

River rafts get stuck on rocks and gravel bars in the middle of frothing white water. That's just the fact. And regardless of your guide's reassurances, it's always the fault of paying passengers. After all, the guide's not going to tell the truth and say you screwed up--it's bad for business. So, when this inevitability occurs, follow these techniques in an attempt to resolve (and eventually exacerbate) the problem.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. Panic. Little good ever comes from an organized, calm assessment of your situation.

2. Scream. A high-pitched, piercing scream is an excellent way to alert shoreline observers to the obvious fact that you had no intention of slamming into a boulder.

3. Drop your paddle into the water. You'll need your hands free to wave in wide, frantic motions to the docile, immobile observers you've just signaled.

4. Push all passengers to the side of the raft that is not stuck. This acts as a counterweight and may free the raft. If nothing happens, immediately begin to offload passengers into the water. Shoving may become necessary for uncooperative patrons.

5. Offload in the following order: your guide (how hard is it to let a raft float down a river anyway?), your spouse or partner (tell them later that you thought the raft was going under and were trying to save their life), your friend (you can always get another), and lastly, your kids (survival of the fittest--face it, the tots are smaller than you).

6. Wait until the former passengers have floated around a bend in the river, then push away from the rock with your hands. The lighter raft should now float easily from the boulder.

7. Scrunch down inside the raft until you're out of view of the shoreline observers.

8. Sit up, dig around inside your companions' coolers, pull out a cold beer and pop the top.

9. Drink up and enjoy the ride.

10. Raft along for a few miles, throw your empties overboard, then pick up your chilled passengers one by one.

11. Appear desperate, winded and flushed. This will complete your portrait as the perfect, conquering hero.

12. Share a tale with your riveted audience about your harrowing escape from the water-pounded boulder.

13. Pause mid-sentence and ask if they wouldn't mind handing you a beer.

Tips & Warnings

• Criticize your guide's ability often and loudly. Splash him or her occasionally, and say it was an accident.
• Avoid wearing a life jacket while rafting. These bulky items hamper your paddling technique and are unnecessarily cumbersome for swimming.

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