How to Bring an Older Child Into a Same-Sex Family

The nuclear family is changing - due to divorce, death or incarceration, many children 10 and older need a caring home. If you and your partner suddenly find yourselves parents, here are some ways to integrate that new member of your family.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Decide on some basic rules and standards before the child spends a night in your home. Discuss with your partner, then with the child, things like curfew, acceptable behavior, schedules and so on.
2. Be prepared to back up your partner in matters of discipline, then discuss your reservations with your partner privately.
3. Talk to the child about his or her level of comfort with your homosexuality. Decide among the three of you how you'll handle titles (Mom, Dad and so on), introductions and school conferences.
4. Visit the child's school for a conference with the principal and teachers as soon as you have legal guardianship.
5. Listen to your child when he or she complains about being treated unfairly at school or elsewhere. You'll have to judge the facts for yourself, but keep in mind that not all teachers and coaches approve of raising a child in a same-sex household.
6. Throw a party or two to celebrate your new family member. Your friends will become part of your child's support system.
7. Establish a regular routine. This may require some adjustment on your part, since your new child may have some commitments that have to be worked around, such as after-school or weekend activities.
8. Tell your child about his or her new family. Include family histories, funny stories, nicknames and so on.
9. Encourage your child to explore your family history and genealogy. If appropriate, write down some of your memories for the child.
10. Have the next family holiday at your house, and try to include both your families so the child can meet his or her new relatives.
11. Ask your child about his or her birth parents and family. Include this family in any celebrations if appropriate. Help your child keep the memories of his or her family alive.

Tips & Warnings

• Carry proof of your guardianship or parental status at all times. You never know when an emergency might occur. Consider keeping copies in all vehicles and at work.
• Consider any punishment for your child carefully. Some punishments, such as grounding or removing car privileges, punish the parents as much as the child.