How to Prevent a Domestic Disagreement From Escalating to an Argument

Half an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure. Disagreements and arguments happen to all couples. Talking in advance about how to deal with this inevitable bump in your relationship is priceless.

Instructions

1. Schedule a brainstorming and problem-solving meeting with your partner when you are both calm, rested and in agreement. Identify what will reduce your escalation potential.

2. List your top five issues, statements, conditions or attitudes that will push your psychological buttons.

3. Share these with your partner, and then listen to your partner's list of button-pushing issues.

4. Verbally agree that you will both avoid using these hot-button issues, statements, conditions or attitudes.

5. Admit to each other that you are both human, and as a result, you will probably disappoint each other by making button-pushing statements.

6. Agree upon vocabulary to use when either of you is overtaken by anger or intensity. For example, you may both agree to say, "Hey, we are off track," or "We are both pushing the wrong buttons."

7. Consider taking a break in the discussion. You could take 5 minutes to write a list of the current issues or verbalize the top three reasons why this relationship is important to both of you.

8. Use "I" statements during your discussion. For example, say, "I feel angry and ignored when I am...." or "I feel sad and disappointed when I am...."

9. Avoid "you" statements. When you say "you" to your partner in the heat of disagreement, your partner may hear, "You ignorant, stupid #x!*+%&/."

10. Discuss individual feelings about the situation that started this specific disagreement. Listen to your partner. This is not the time for an in-depth review of all historic sins originating from the dawn of your relationship.

11. Prevent future disagreements by answering this question: "OK, what can we both agree to do differently the next time this situation comes up?"

12. Identify any remaining parts of this specific issue that require additional discussion. Clarify them if needed. Close the discussion with affection.

Tips & Warnings

• Your partner holds a uniquely intimate position in your life. With this position comes the ability to profoundly disappoint and hurt you. Paradoxically, your partner may do this with no intent to hurt, disappoint or cause pain. When your partner pushes your buttons, try to immediately respond with, "What did you mean by that?"

• Button-pushing issues frequently come from childhood disappointments. Personal therapy directed toward resolving these hurts may help you as an individual and your relationship as a couple.