Step1
Schedule a brainstorming and problem-solving meeting with your partner when you are both calm, rested and in agreement. Identify what will reduce your escalation potential.
Step2
List your top five issues, statements, conditions or attitudes that will push your psychological buttons.
Step3
Share these with your partner, and then listen to your partner's list of button-pushing issues.
Step4
Verbally agree that you will both avoid using these hot-button issues, statements, conditions or attitudes.
Step5
Admit to each other that you are both human, and as a result, you will probably disappoint each other by making button-pushing statements.
Step6
Agree upon vocabulary to use when either of you is overtaken by anger or intensity. For example, you may both agree to say, "Hey, we are off track," or "We are both pushing the wrong buttons."
Step7
Consider taking a break in the discussion. You could take 5 minutes to write a list of the current issues or verbalize the top three reasons why this relationship is important to both of you.
Step8
Use "I" statements during your discussion. For example, say, "I feel angry and ignored when I am...." or "I feel sad and disappointed when I am...."
Step9
Avoid "you" statements. When you say "you" to your partner in the heat of disagreement, your partner may hear, "You ignorant, stupid #x!*+%&/."
Step10
Discuss individual feelings about the situation that started this specific disagreement. Listen to your partner. This is not the time for an in-depth review of all historic sins originating from the dawn of your relationship.
Step11
Prevent future disagreements by answering this question: "OK, what can we both agree to do differently the next time this situation comes up?"
Step12
Identify any remaining parts of this specific issue that require additional discussion. Clarify them if needed. Close the discussion with affection.
Comments
Anonymous said
on 3/20/2006 When two people are in argument, there is a breaking point. I'm sure the other person knows about it. When your spouse hits the breaking point, do not ever try to walk away from the scene. Do not keep your mouth shut. Do not try to make your spouse agree to your point of view right away.
If you are smart, try/pose to agree to your spouse's argument/comment. Like, "Maybe you are right.. I will consider/think about it."
You are not losing anything. You are just being mature and avoiding havoc. You don't have to agree to it, but you can give your spouse a false pride of winning the argument by telling him/her "You may be right.. give me some time to think about it ".
After a while (or a day) when everything cools down, if at all it is an important issue that needs to be brought up, start the topic and tell what you feel.
Otherwise, Never mind.. you have better things to do.
Anonymous said
on 11/22/2005 Try to let your partner know why you react in certain situations. Example: Perhaps a parent walked out on the family when you were younger. So when you have an argument with your partner, and he/she leaves, you are feeling pain because of your past. Or if you were called names as a child, and this deeply affects you, it would really hurt if the person you love calls you "stupid" or "dumb".
Anonymous said
on 11/22/2005 If two people really love eachother, no matter what the discussion or disagreement is about,everything should be talked about in a rational and understanding manner,without insults or put downs or degrading the other.If the other person loves you, his or her intentions should always be to make things work, and not make things go berserk-From experience(unfortunately)I know when the other person does not reguard your feelings no matter how hard you try,The situation is better left alone and let go-Forget it, you wont win,and the situation will only get worst,don't argue with an irrational person or someone who does not give two stones about you,unfortunately,the only thing you can do, if you yourself is trying as hard as YOU can to make things work is see where it goes,But then again you are worth more than that, and deserve to have an understanding and loving and considerate spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend who will talk things through and would want to prevent a disagreement from turning into a low down dirty argument.
Anonymous said
on 11/22/2005 Say "I'm sorry" and be sincere, then ask for forgiveness if you are the instigator. If the other person does not forgive, then this becomes his/her problem. You have done what you can.
Anonymous said
on 5/22/2007 Let it out. Do not go to be angry. When there is an issue, should a button get pushed, let your partner know. Do not assume they know what they did. Holding it in or blowing it off will only lead to buildup, thus explosion.