How to Respond to a Homophobic Comment

Whether they come from a co-worker, a family member or someone else, homophobic comments - that is, comments that show fear and hatred of gays and lesbians - can hurt. Sometimes you feel you have to respond, but it may not always be a good idea. Here's how and when to do it safely and effectively.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Consider the source. If the person is known to often make off-color remarks, it's unlikely that anything you say will change him.

2. Consider the source again. If the person is in a position of power over you, tread carefully.

3. Find a way to make a constructive comment. For example, if someone uses an outdated or inappropriate term to refer to a gay or lesbian person, gently explain what term is now considered appropriate.

4. Attempt to treat everyone with respect, even if they don't respect you. They'll be more likely to listen to you and you'll be less likely to get upset.

5. Decide if you want to confront the person the moment the incident occurs or wait until later. If you wait, your comments may be taken more seriously rather than seeming like an off-the-cuff remark.

6. Try not to embarrass the person in front of others. Take him aside or wait to speak with him when he returns to his office or goes to a different room.

7. Use a calm tone and explain what you objected to and why.

8. Watch for signs that the person really understands you. Give up if he doesn't, and perhaps try again later, but follow up with appropriate materials and information if he seems genuinely open to learning about gays and lesbians.

9. Refer the person to Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (see pflag.org) if he has a true desire to learn and understand. Many PFLAG participants were homophobic, or at least skeptical, when they first attended a meeting.

10. Make friends with the person, even if he doesn't seem to be opening up to gays and lesbians. The best way for people to gain information about the gay community is to get to know gay people.

Tips & Warnings

• Expect to be treated well by everyone, including your family. While it's sometimes OK to give family a little more leeway, family members should still respect you and your sexual orientation.
• Avoid physically and emotionally abusive situations at all costs. Walk away from a situation if the tension escalates.

[blingaling]

on 11/27/2008 Really thoughtful article with helpful comments. It's amazing to me what people will say to someone they barely know. I mean, how do they know I'm not gay or that one of my famiy isn't gay? Maybe they just don't care. I've been in this situation and wanted to say something, because I think anti-gay jokes and comments are really offensive and dangerous, but wasn't sure what to say. Now I've got some ideas. Thanks.

[sappho99336]

on 1/24/2008 I think some people really don't understand when they are being offensive, while others don't care or do it on purpose. The ones who really don't understand are the ones people have the best chance of influencing, so I like the strategy of making people explain what they said. Also, it's true that people tend to assume a person is gay or lesbian if they object to homophobic comments, but it's not the only time such assumptions are made. Once I was substitute teaching and got after a girl for making an anti-semitic comment, and she assumed I was Jewish. Now I don't care if she thinks that, but I'm not, as it happens. I just think it's wrong to make prejudiced remarks about anyone, but some people don't get that.

[Olorin]

on 6/21/2007 Totally disagree with the last person. The people that make these comments are usually ignorant and fearful of homosexuals and lesbians. They won't care a donkeys arse if they are upsetting you or you think that they are making a fool out of themselves because that's just how they are.

[IbeAmy]

on 6/4/2007 I find it strange that people tend to think one is homosexual if anti-gay and lesbian comments offend them. People can stand up for people, no matter what their personal practices are. In turn, standing up for human dignity should not prompt personal speculation from others. I often come back to people who say something like "that class is so gay" with something like: "Really I was unaware that the class is homosexual" so that someone can understand what they said is not right. I usually follow with something like, "Really, what you said offended me. Please don't use comments like that around me, and perhaps consider not using them at all - you never know who you could offend."

[jtinva]

on 5/18/2007 I think laughing at homophobic comments is disgusting. The person should be told in a serious matter that what she said was offensive.