How to Mess With Texas

By eHow Culture & Society Editor

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"Don't mess with Texas" is far more than just an anti-litter campaign - it's an attitude. Texans, with their Lone Star and Big Everything, also have a fine sense of humor; here's how you can appreciate it best.

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Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

Maps
Hair Spray
Horses
Cowboy Boots
Cowboy Hats
Texas Line Dancing Videos
Turkey Platters
Lasso
Jalapenos
Texas Bluebonnet Seedlings
Leather Belts

Step1

Learn the language and throw in these new words whenever possible: Use the sound "ole" for "oil," as in "sole" for "soil"; say "fixin' ta" instead of "going to"; "chunk" instead of "chuck"; remember that saying "pop" instead of "soda" will brand you as a "far-ner," and never say "you guys" to the ladies. They're "y'all," just like everyone else.

Step2

Keep in mind that, as in many other states, the mosquito is the Texas state bird, the next state over is full of backwoods and inbred yokels, and if you don't like the weather, wait a few minutes and it'll change. Texans think they made these up; don't let on that they didn't.

Step3

Ask folks if they think the state will secede anytime soon. Some think it already has.

Step4

Correct people when they use the wrong terminology. For instance, the critter they call a nutria is really a coypu - its fur is called nutria. They'll either be impressed or annoyed, and you'll know immediately who will be buying your next margarita.

Step5

Fashion a belt buckle from a turkey platter. Tell everyone that you won it last year at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. Watch them stare in awe.

Step6

Insist you don't eat meat with bones in it. This will guarantee head scratching and furrowed brows.

Step7

Be careful if invited to a crawfish (mudbug) festival. Be very sure that you want to attend before agreeing. This is an event in which Texans (and Louisianans) take great pleasure in grossing far-ners out.

Tips & Warnings

Don't get on any mechanical bull, even if they promise to "run it slow."
Don't ever tell a Texas lady you think you saw a spider in her hair. She'll be in therapy for months.
When dining out, you can't go wrong if you order chicken-fried steak and a Dr. Pepper.

Comments

Anonymous said

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on 8/8/2006 It isn't a joke. Almost everyone in Texas has a gun. It's either on them, in the car, at home, on the nightstand, in the nightstand, on the wall or by the front door. If you don't see it -assume it's there. Asked to see it, most will show it to you and tell you a story about it. Oh, and understand that laws in parts of Texas allow people to use there guns to protect property and themselves. In simple terms: they ain't afraid to use them.

Anonymous said

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on 11/22/2005 Say that your favorite city in Texas has got to be Kilgore.

Anonymous said

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on 6/30/2006 A Coke refers to any carbonated, non-alcoholic beverage. If you want sweet tea, just ask for sweet tea. If you want some kind of soda, say coke.
For example,
"I'm gonna get a coke, want one?"
"Sure"
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper"

Anonymous said

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on 3/23/2006 If someone asks you for a Coke, they do not mean Coca-Cola, they simply want something to drink. Too many times I've heard, "What kind of Coke you want?" and the answer was "Sweet tea."

Speaking of sodas;
Sprite; pronounced Spryhht (exhale during the h's, very wispy). That's the true sign of a Texan.

Yet another- If you want tea, it better be sweet, cold and in a glass or you're just not getting any.

Most of these rules apply to any state South of the "Mason-Dixon" line, with the exception of the Sprite pronunciation. That's totally Texan.