How to Be a Valentine's Day Romantic in a Politically Correct World

It can be a mine field out there in Romance Land. The socially aware person or per-daughter keeps his/her hands to him/herself and tongue in his/her cheek.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Valentine's Day Greeting Cards
• Bedsheets
• Flowers
• Romantic Gifts
• Throw Pillows
• Cologne
• Perfume
• Romantic Music

For Personages of the Male Gender

1. Make your own bed. Throw on some decorative pillows.
2. Leave her a Valentine on top of the toilet seat so that she knows you remembered where that seat belongs.
3. Pen discreet meditations as love notes may not be apropos.
4. Think carefully before you give her a card bearing the words "Babe" or "Chick" anywhere.
5. Refrain from being a conversational minimalist. Say you love her.
6. Ask to be allowed to express your inner chivalry by offering her a gift.
7. Offer to cook her dinner. Warn her if the dinner is microwave-compatible.
8. Be careful of committing fragrance abuse. Too much cologne is inappropriate.
9. Reconsider candy as a gift. She may be a metabolic underachiever.
10. Forget the toupee. Michael Jordan and Patrick Stewart know women go for men who are follicularly challenged.
11. Ask for directions before you take her to a romantic restaurant. Valentine's Day is not the right time to seek out a sequence of alternative destinations.

For Personages of the Female Gender

12. Remember, all men are not monogamy-challenged. Some are willing to make a commitment.
13. Pick prospective companions carefully, avoiding motivationally deficient or sexually focused, chronologically enhanced individuals. Who needs lazy bums or dirty old men?
14. Feel free to ask him intimate questions like, "What are you thinking about?," "Do I look fat?," "Am I the prettiest woman you've ever been with?"
15. Invite him to Valentine's supper at a sports bar.
16. Give in to outdated social pressures and undergo a temporary stubble reduction on your lower limbs.
17. Be patient even if you are experiencing rebellious-follicle syndrome. He won't notice you're having a bad hair day.
18. Remember, males often inadvertently reschedule arrival time, but they are rarely late.
19. Order his dinner for him without asking what he prefers. Quiche is always appropriate.
20. Be prepared to pay for the meal. Your companion may be an involuntarily leisured, negative saver.

Tips & Warnings

• Extremists have made political correctness a joke, but every person deserves respect as an individual. Valentine's Day is no excuse to engage in sexist behavior.