How to Cope with Valentine's Day When You're Single

With the possible exception of your typical Aztec feast day—in which priests literally ripped the beating hearts out of hundreds of trussed, terrified captives—no holiday in human history has caused more misery than Valentine’s Day. If you’re single, how do you make it past February 14 without having your own heart (figuratively, of course) plucked out of your quivering chest? Just follow these simple instructions.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. Stay inside. This simplest of all solutions is also the most difficult to carry out, because this year, Valentine’s Day falls smack in the middle of the work week—and your supervisor may not appreciate having half her work force call in sick on a busy Wednesday. But if you’re self-employed, by all means, lock your door, turn off all your lights, and wait ‘til the day is over.
2. Be a spoilsport. Okay, you have no choice but to go to work, but that’s no reason to succumb to the V-Day spirit. At the water cooler (or wherever else you and your colleagues blow off steam), loudly express your opinion that Valentine’s Day is a plot by greeting card companies to bump up their post-Christmas sales (there’s more than a grain of truth in this, by the way).
3. Don’t compare yourself to other people. If you’re the type who imagines folks secretly pointing at you on the street and laughing at your single status, you’re spending way too much time measuring yourself against supposedly happy, snuggling couples. Remember: just because a person is partnered up on V-Day doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she is blissed out (or even remotely contented).
4. Turn off the TV. By following the above steps, you’ve managed to make it through your workday (and your commute) with your self-esteem intact. Don’t toss it all into a heart-shaped hamper by sprawling out in front of the tube and watching Valentine’s Day-themed episodes of your favorite TV shows. Rent a good movie instead, or turn off the tube entirely and spin some thrash metal.
5. Commiserate with friends. It’s perfectly okay to ring up your single girlfriends (if you’re female) or male friends (if you’re male) and dis on Valentine's Day. But at all costs, avoid the temptation to call your ex or that hottie at the office you’ve secretly had a crush on all these years. That kind of maneuver is dangerous enough in ordinary circumstances; on February 14, it’s potentially deadly.