How to Plan an Invasion


Very few high-quality countries are on the market these days. If you want one, you'll have to get it the old-fashioned way: Invade. Now, before you go running off half-cocked, keep in mind that, like marriage, many invasions receive the benefit of only vague, romantic thinking beforehand. Prepare properly and you could live a long, satisfying life as an illicit head of state.

Identify a potential target. Geographical proximity to your country of residence is handy, but many out-of-the-way spots provide good opportunities, especially if they don't attract much attention in the press. If you're totally at a loss, aim for the Caribbean.

Look for a country with a despicable dictator engaging in numerous human rights violations. You'll get instant support from any oppressed citizens in the country, and the rest of the world will likely adopt an "it couldn't get worse" attitude.

Manipulate the press if necessary (total silence is great but unlikely). Feed strongly negative reports about your target country to the world press in order to claim savior status later.

Evaluate your forces. Most military strategists prefer a three-toone advantage in troops and armor for invasion forces operating against fixed defenses.

Employ code names whenever possible, such as "Operation Rolling Thunder." (Sorry, this one has already been used.) These can make even the most criminal plan sound compelling.

Strike as deeply and as early as possible to reduce the chances of the opposing army calling up reinforcements and stalling the invasion. Do anything possible to prevent a stalemate and a war of attrition, as such situations rarely favor invaders.

Achieve air superiority. This alone might ensure success. It makes movement by any opposing forces difficult to impossible.

Capture infrastructure. Immediate invasion goals should include communications structures, fuel supplies, rail lines, seaports and airports. You want to deny your opponent access to these facilities, ideally without destroying them. A completely razed country is hardly a bargain once your face is on the currency.

Allow your opponents an escape route. Military forces are more likely to retreat if a plausible route is open. If they're completely cut off, determined resistance can be expected.

Plan huge rallies to celebrate your victory. Toppling statues of the former dictator makes for great TV spots.

Find capable people to rebuild the country, undo civil rights abuses of the former boss, establish security and set the economy on a steady course.

Tips & Warnings

  • Don't assume that the opposing army lacks loyalty to its despicable dictator. Tyrants tend to lavish favors on their generals in order to guarantee loyalty.
  • There will always be a few busybodies who will condemn you for the invasion. Do a good job with the economy and they'll be ignored quickly.
  • Read extensively. Become familiar with Napoleon's conquests and the works of Sun Tzu, Niccolo` Machiavelli and military author John Keegan.
  • Try not to let your weaker opponent occupy a geographically confined space, such as a mountain pass. Any battlefield that restricts mobility reduces the advantage held by the larger force.
  • This is dangerous work. You and scores of other people might be killed.

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