How to Blend Families

More than half of all Americans live in some sort of nontraditional family due to remarriage. While it can be a rocky road, not all blended families necessarily resemble Cinderella's. Merge yours, mine and ours with as few bumps as possible by recognizing how stepfamilies differ from nuclear ones and by having lots (and lots) of healthy communication.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately challenging

At home

1. Give each child personal private space. This includes a bed, drawers, closet space, desk and a chair at the dinner table. This is especially important for nonresidential kids.
2. Create a master family calendar that shows who's where when. Mark special events for residential and nonresidential kids. See 266 Coordinate a Family Calendar.
3. Arrange for the stepparent to sign a consent form allowing him or her to authorize emergency medical treatment for all children.
4. Start with a clean slate: To resolve turf wars, it's often easier to just sell the old house and move to one that's new to everyone.
5. Use stepfamily support networks, a licensed social worker, or your church or synagogue to find positive solutions to problems as they come up. Contact organizations such as the Stepfamily Association of America (saafamilies.org) or KidsTurn.org.

Communication

6. Take classes on stepparenting before the merger. Type "stepparenting resources" or "blended families" into a search engine or contact a child care referral service in your area.
7. Hold regular family meetings to discuss issues as they come up and work out the week's logistics. The structure will be helpful to all kids. See 267 Plan Family Meetings.
8. Talk to your partner about the best way to handle disciplining each other's kids. Ideally you'll parent as a team and be firmly in the same camp when it comes to establishing ground rules, setting limits and defining what's appropriate. When discussing your partner's child--or any child--criticize the behavior, not the child.

Part-time kids, full-time kids

9. Accept the fact a blended family will not act or feel like your picture of an "ideal" family. The part-time kids can get jealous of the full-time kids and feel left out. Don't rush to try to create a harmonious family feeling. Be patient--and be creative.
10. Foster an atmosphere of open communication and talk about stuff when it comes up. Strike a balance between having everyone's feelings heard and doing what needs to be done. Keep it simple and talk to each child at his or her own level.
11. Set up rules and expectations regarding behavior and schedules and enforce them consistently. Your part-time kids may have different rules in their other home, but it's helpful all around when everyone knows what to expect at your house. Insist that everyone speak to and treat one another with respect.

Relationships

12. Plan regular private talks about family issues. Discuss with your new partner or spouse what your mutual long-term goals are. What do you want your part-timers to remember from growing up in their new family (since it won't be about routine and consistency)? Talk about what type of family structure and activities you can both put in place to support those long-term goals. Also see 248 Teach Your Kids About Money.
13. Let kids and stepparents work out differences without your help. They need to learn how to work together within the guidelines you set--and biological parents need to stay out of the middle.
14. Make sure every child feels wanted in your home whether he or she lives there full-time, half-time or just two weekends a month.
15. Be sure biological family members have some time one-on-one time each week, especially at first. At the same time, plan time with your new stepchildren. Kids are often less dramatic if there's no audience to play to.
16. Talk to each other. Tell lots of stories and look at photo albums. Create rituals for this new configuration. Listen to the kids and slowly, patiently develop a common history with them as you grow into a new family.
17. Be as patient as possible, no matter how difficult a phase your new family is in. Don't expect overnight success: It typically takes about two years for a newly blended family to stabilize.

The ex

18. Maintain a civil relationship with your ex and your spouse's. Never bad-mouth the other parent in front of the kids. See 287 Plan an Amicable Divorce.
19. Communicate with the other parent when solving any ongoing problem a child might have. Operating as a team is absolutely in your children's best interests.
20. Establish a visitation schedule and stick to it as much as possible. Don't let your child make plans for days when he or she is supposed to be with Dad or Mom. Inform the ex as far in advance as possible if you do need to change the schedule.

Tips & Warnings

• Give each child a caddy for grooming supplies when they share a bathroom.
• Make holiday plans far in advance.
• Make--and keep--a weekly date night with your spouse. See 434 Plan an Overnight Getaway With Your Spouse.
• The stepparent would be wise to follow the biological parent's lead on disciplining style--and when it's possible, leave the disciplining up to him or her.
• Let your children take their time when they are deciding what to call their new stepparent. Start at a neutral, conservative place, such as the parent's first name. They can always move to a more intimate name like "Papa [first name]"--or even "Dad"--as their relationship and sense of comfort and security develops over time.
• During the beginning stages of a relationship, plan trips and adventures with all the kids on neutral ground rather than inserting part-timers into regular routines on fulltimers' turf.
• Recognize common stepfamily traps such as jealousy and resentment when they arise and try not to take them personally.