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Step 1
Give each child personal private space. This includes a bed, drawers, closet space, desk and a chair at the dinner table. This is especially important for nonresidential kids.
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Step 2
Create a master family calendar that shows who's where when. Mark special events for residential and nonresidential kids. See 266 Coordinate a Family Calendar.
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Step 3
Arrange for the stepparent to sign a consent form allowing him or her to authorize emergency medical treatment for all children.
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Step 4
Start with a clean slate: To resolve turf wars, it's often easier to just sell the old house and move to one that's new to everyone.
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Step 5
Use stepfamily support networks, a licensed social worker, or your church or synagogue to find positive solutions to problems as they come up. Contact organizations such as the Stepfamily Association of America (saafamilies.org) or KidsTurn.org.
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Step 1
Take classes on stepparenting before the merger. Type "stepparenting resources" or "blended families" into a search engine or contact a child care referral service in your area.
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Step 2
Hold regular family meetings to discuss issues as they come up and work out the week's logistics. The structure will be helpful to all kids. See 267 Plan Family Meetings.
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Step 3
Talk to your partner about the best way to handle disciplining each other's kids. Ideally you'll parent as a team and be firmly in the same camp when it comes to establishing ground rules, setting limits and defining what's appropriate. When discussing your partner's child--or any child--criticize the behavior, not the child.
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Step 1
Accept the fact a blended family will not act or feel like your picture of an "ideal" family. The part-time kids can get jealous of the full-time kids and feel left out. Don't rush to try to create a harmonious family feeling. Be patient--and be creative.
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Step 2
Foster an atmosphere of open communication and talk about stuff when it comes up. Strike a balance between having everyone's feelings heard and doing what needs to be done. Keep it simple and talk to each child at his or her own level.
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Step 3
Set up rules and expectations regarding behavior and schedules and enforce them consistently. Your part-time kids may have different rules in their other home, but it's helpful all around when everyone knows what to expect at your house. Insist that everyone speak to and treat one another with respect.
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Step 1
Plan regular private talks about family issues. Discuss with your new partner or spouse what your mutual long-term goals are. What do you want your part-timers to remember from growing up in their new family (since it won't be about routine and consistency)? Talk about what type of family structure and activities you can both put in place to support those long-term goals. Also see 248 Teach Your Kids About Money.
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Step 2
Let kids and stepparents work out differences without your help. They need to learn how to work together within the guidelines you set--and biological parents need to stay out of the middle.
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Step 3
Make sure every child feels wanted in your home whether he or she lives there full-time, half-time or just two weekends a month.
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Step 4
Be sure biological family members have some time one-on-one time each week, especially at first. At the same time, plan time with your new stepchildren. Kids are often less dramatic if there's no audience to play to.
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Step 5
Talk to each other. Tell lots of stories and look at photo albums. Create rituals for this new configuration. Listen to the kids and slowly, patiently develop a common history with them as you grow into a new family.
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Step 6
Be as patient as possible, no matter how difficult a phase your new family is in. Don't expect overnight success: It typically takes about two years for a newly blended family to stabilize.
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Step 1
Maintain a civil relationship with your ex and your spouse's. Never bad-mouth the other parent in front of the kids. See 287 Plan an Amicable Divorce.
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Step 2
Communicate with the other parent when solving any ongoing problem a child might have. Operating as a team is absolutely in your children's best interests.
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Step 3
Establish a visitation schedule and stick to it as much as possible. Don't let your child make plans for days when he or she is supposed to be with Dad or Mom. Inform the ex as far in advance as possible if you do need to change the schedule.
Comments
Impetuous2 said
on 12/26/2008 Letting the kids and stepparents work out differences without your help I disagree with... I have a stepdaughter (8)and a boy (11) whom calls my husband DAD. (Not his biologicle father)They come to stay with us every weekend. I have caught them both being nasty to my son. (We have 2 children together as well.) One day last summer we were all playing together outside and I caught my husbands daughter flicking my son in the face and saying NO! When I saw that I was ABSOLUTELY APPALLED! I really didn't care what my son did, had did, whatever. She had no right to feel like she should be the one to place a punishment on him. I became so red in the face and told her that she will never do that again! If he is doing something bad, you come and tell me or your father, I don't ever want to see you do that... I looked at my husband and he said and did nothing. I guess I was expecting him to say so
Anonymous said
on 8/28/2006 The tip about letting the biological parent discipline must be taken into context. If you are dealing with teenagers or slightly older children then, yes. However,r if the stepchild is very young, when it comes into the blended family then this is not necessarily the case. My stepson was 1 when we started seeing each other, so he does not have memories of not having me around. I am just another part of the parental unit.