How to Establish Boundaries in Parent and Child Relationships

Close, caring families require clear personal boundaries.

Boundaries mark invisible lines of ownership. Parents and all but the youngest children have the right to stake out their privacy with strong boundary lines. A lack of boundary lines can create feelings of dependency and resentment for both parents and children. Whether you are a parent or a child, establishing boundaries with the other party will help your relationship grow and thrive.

Instructions

1. Think about and plan boundaries before you need them. For example, parents need to know when they can come over to visit adult children who live on their own and vice versa. They also need to know if they should call ahead of time. Similarly, parents of small children should set aside time for themselves and decide how much alone time they require. And parents need to decide how much they are willing to financially contribute to their children's welfare or schooling.

2. Explain to the other party in a relationship exactly what will and will not be tolerated. Gently approach the other person with any new boundaries you are creating. Small children especially need time to adjust to any new guidelines.

3. Choose what information you wish to share with other party. Sharing private information is allowing the other person into your personal boundaries. For example, you may wish to tell your parents, or not, the details of your dating relationships. Or you can decide to share your financial concerns with your adult children -- or not.

4. Involve yourself in hobbies and activities apart from the other party. Develop your own personality and interests. Join clubs, learn a new sport or develop new friendships outside of your family. Do not expect your parents or children to be involved in your hobbies. Parents of young children should not feel guilty for taking time to develop their own interests.

Tips & Warnings

• Establish boundaries in between times of crises. Be prepared to change your boundaries as your needs and those of the other party change. Resist giving up when the other party crosses your boundaries.

References

• Academia.edu; Defensive Behaviors at Home and Away at College: Mediated Communication and Privacy Boundary Management; Andre M. Ledbetter, et al.
• Focus on the Family: Establishing Boundaries with Adult Kids
• Focus on the Family: Taking Action
• Instructional Support Services; Parenting Teens: Where do you Draw the Lines?; Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.