How to Listen Actively During a Confrontation

When you argue, you may talk over the other person rather than listen.

Active listening is a way to listen that helps you become engaged with what the other person is saying. When you are involved in a conflict, you may tune out what your opponent is saying because you are angry or because you are thinking of a rebuttal, according to the Conflict Research Consortium at the University of Colorado. Active listening helps you to avoid that problem.

Instructions

1. Listen to the other person's side fully before you respond. Do not interrupt, and remain calm even if what she says angers you.

2. Carefully summarize what he has said and ask if your summary is correct. Take care not to add your angle to the summary; this may inflame the argument further. He can then confirm that you understand his point or clarify what he has said. This is an important step because many arguments are based on simple misunderstandings. In addition, if the other person feels that you are truly trying to listen to him and understand his point of view, he may become more calm and more open to your opinion as well.

3. Ask relevant questions, if applicable. Be careful not to make accusations. For example, instead of asking "Didn't you know that would insult me?" state, "Could you please explain what you meant when you said X?"

4. Respond to her points in a calm and reasonable way. Avoid using accusatory language. For example, instead of saying "I got angry because you insulted me," state, "I felt hurt and angry because I felt as if you were indicating that I wasn't doing my job."

5. Repeat the process by listening to his response to your points. Then summarize his response again. Answer his points if necessary. Continue this process until the discussion is over.

References

• University of Colorado Conflict Research Consortium: Active Listening
• University of Vermont Center for Rural Studies: Active Listening