How to End a Marriage & Not Scar Your Kids

Divorce is a dramatic change for your children as well as you and your ex.

By its very nature a divorce threatens to dismantle a family by fracturing it into tinier, separate groups. If you think this is hard for you, as the adult, imagine what it will do to your children, who aren't emotionally equipped to process this dramatic change in their family dynamic. Fortunately children are resilient. As long as you and your spouse are consistent in how you make these adjustments you can help ease your children through the transition.

Instructions

1. Break the news together, and leave out the gory details. Address their immediate needs, like where they will live, and how things will remain similar to how they've lived thus far. Explain that in order to be better, happier mommies and daddies you need to live apart.

2. Assure your children that you are not leaving them, even if you live apart. Make sure they know they can call on you no matter what and you will be there so they do not have to worry about abandonment.

3. Make a commitment with your spouse to co-parent no matter who gets primary custody. Remember that even if the marriage is over, these kids still need your spouse as a parent. As such they need you to respect that partnership that endures past divorce.

4. Remain civil to your spouse in front of your kids. Constantly arguing will only serve to stress your kids and make them feel like their loyalties are divided. Maintain a mature, civil discourse to let your kids know you have things under control.

5. Maintain consistency with the rules to which your kids are accustomed. Children need and respond well to structure, and bending the rules to help appease your kids will only make them feel insecure. Make sure both homes uphold these rules, and any existing routines, to maintain stability in their lives.

6. Tell your kids repeatedly and often that the divorce was not their fault. The divorce is between you and your spouse, and you both need to take responsibility for its dissolution. Make sure your kids know it was nothing they did that contributed to the divorce.

7. Let your kids know they can talk to you openly and honestly about what they're feeling, even if it may hurt you. It is not only okay they feel sad, confused or scared, it's natural. By listening to what they feel, you can give them the direction needed to work through it.

Tips & Warnings

• Get direction from a family therapist who can help your family through the process of divorce. A therapist can equip you with the tools necessary to watch for, or avoid, any pitfalls.

• Don't speak ill of your spouse in front of your children so that you don't split your kids up into enemy camps. Don't make your children the go-betweens or use them to get even with your spouse.

References

• CBS News: How Divorce Affects Kids
• Kids Health: What is a Divorce?
• Mayo Clinic: Children and Divorce: Helping Kids After a Breakup
• Help Guide: Children and Divorce: Helping Your Kids Cope