How to Build a Good Relationship Between a Daughter-in-Law & a Mother-in-Law

Forming close bonds between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law can take time

Developing a good relationship between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law is an important part of family life. A close connection between a husband's mother and his wife can also strengthen his marriage. For some families, this might be a natural and easy experience, but for others, especially those with markedly different values, it can be a difficult struggle. Both women may find it difficult to accept each other's role and influence in their husband or son's life. However, with patience and understanding it's possible to build a close relationship.

Instructions

1. 

   Resist the temptation to criticize each other.

   Do not criticize each other, either directly or when speaking to other family members. One of you may not keep the house as clean as the other woman would like it, but pointing this out will only create tension and fuel mistrust. Likewise, don't fall into the trap of criticizing each other for choices made regarding career, children and family. Accept that each of you may have different values and don't get into an argument. Instead if you feel something was said to upset you, you should respond in an honest and calm manner, for example you might say "I know you are only trying to help, but when you tell me I should work part-time so I can spend more time with my family, I feel you are criticizing me as a wife and mother."

2. Spend time together, so you can get to know each other. Talk to each other on the phone or go out for coffee or lunch together. It is important spend time together in an environment outside of each other's homes and away from your family. This will avoid the pressure and potential conflict that might arise from witnessing how each of you interacts with her husband or her son. Instead, concentrate on things you may have in common and try to engage in these activities together. You might choose to join a book club, or plan monthly trips to the theater.

3. 

   Asking your mother-in-law for help cooking a meal can boost your relationship

   Ask each other for advice in a friendly manner. Focus on finding an area in which the other woman excels -- in cooking, editing, bicycling, building shelves -- and ask for her help. But always be aware that unsolicited advice may be interpreted as a criticism. For example, if a mother-in-law offers advice on child-care, her daughter-in-law might interpret this as undermining her parenting.

4. Do not compete with each other. If your husband says his mother makes the best cranberry pie, don't respond negatively to his praise by saying, for example, "Well, I find the pie a little too sweet." It 's also not wise to spend hours in the kitchen trying to create a better version of her signature pie to present at your mother-in-law's next visit. Instead compliment her on her cooking.

Tips & Warnings

• Building a relationship takes time, and you should not expect quick results. Trust and friendship will naturally build up, but can't be forced.

• Don't overdo it trying to be nice to each other. This can come across as intimidating and make the other feel inferior.

References

• Mothers in Law Stories; Dr. Apter Research Paper - Mothers-In-law and Daughters-In-Law...; Terri Apter;
• The Sunday Times; How to Befriend Your Mother-In-Law; Terri Apter; August 9 2009
• The Daily Mail; How to Make Your Mother-In-Law Love You Forever; Sharon Bexley;
• Babyzone; Managing Your Mother-In-Law: How to Have a Happy Relationship; Brenda Stokes

Resources

• "It's Either Her or Me"; Ellie Fisher; 2010
• "What Do You Want From Me? Learning to Get Along with in-Laws"; Terri Apter; 2009