How to Deal With a Mean Sister-in-Law

Speak to your sister-in-law over coffee, but bring your spouse.

Many families welcome the spouse of their son or daughter into the family. Even if the parents accept their son or daughter's spouse, however, the bride or groom's siblings may not. The siblings, such as a sister-in-law, may strike out in the only way they know how: treating you, the new spouse, poorly. You can't control your sister-in-law's behavior, but you can take some steps to help improve the relationship or keep your new sister from introducing negativity into your life and marriage.

Instructions

1. Schedule a conversation with your sister-in-law, and bring your spouse along. Your spouse has a reputation with his sister, and she may listen to him more than you. Don't let him drive the conversation, but allow him to step in if the conversation gets heated.

2. Respect any family traditions or limits, within reason. For example, if the family tradition is to not share feelings, be careful about how much you talk about feelings. You can discuss feelings, but focus on something else, such as how you and the sister-in-law can get to know each other and build a relationship.

3. Show kindness and use your sense of humor. Kindness helps show that you're not a threat. Ask your spouse what is acceptable and what isn't. Your sense of humor can help you ignore remarks that sting, or realize that your sister-in-law is trying to be funny but failing.

4. Set and enforce boundaries. Identify, with your spouse, the areas where your sister-in-law is being mean. Create a boundary to protect yourself and your family against your sister-in-laws meanness. For example, if your sister-in-law drops by unexpectedly and criticizes your house as dirty, set a boundary that she must call a few hours before coming over. Turn her away if she crosses the boundary.

5. Avoid your sister-in-law as much as possible if nothing else works. Stay on the other side of the room at family functions. Don't double-date with her and her spouse. Skip “girl's night” with your mother-in-law if the sister-in-law will be there.

References

• “Focus on the Family”; In-Law Relationships; Phillip J. Swihart
• Family Education: Ten Basic Rules of Dealing with In-Laws