How to Move on After a Break Up of a Long Term Marriage With Kids
Divorce is one of the most stressful and traumatic events in life. You have to come to terms with the fact that you're no longer with the person you hoped to spend the rest of your life with. Having children complicates the matter, and it can be equally, if not more, devastating to children to see their parents split up. There is life after divorce, for you and your kids.
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Instructions
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Forgive your ex-spouse and move on. Forgiveness is as important to your own state of mind as it is to your children's. Don't let bitterness grow inside you, no matter what the terms of the divorce were. Your ex is still the other parent of your children. This is especially important where joint custody is involved.
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Maintain friendly communication with your ex and keep him updated on important events in the lives of your children. You must remain partners in parenting, even if you are no longer partners in marriage.
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Do not use your children as a sounding board to complain about your ex. Putting down your ex in front of your kids makes them feel stuck in the middle and makes them feel like they should be choosing sides.
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Allow your children to take control of some aspect of their own life. Divorce can make children feel out of control, so some small amount of autonomy can help reassure their sense of self-worth. Let them choose what to have for dinner once a week, or give them free reign to decorate their new rooms, even if it clashes with the rest of your decor.
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Watch your children for changes in behavior and attitude. A child's emotional response to a divorce can vary depending on the child's age and disposition. Very young children, ages five and younger, might lose the small amount of independence they've gained and become fearful of separation. Be prepared for older children to express anger or to fall into depression.
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Sit down with your children regularly to have a discussion about how they feel, even after the divorce is finalized. You may be tempted to put your marriage behind you once the divorce is said and done, but such an extreme change in lifestyle and social status takes time to adjust to. Make it a point to sit down and regularly, over dinner for example, about how things are going.
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Seek help from a family counselor or therapist if you sense that your children are having trouble coping with the divorce. A third party can give the children someone to talk to if they feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings with you.
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Tips & Warnings
Don't forget to take time for yourself. Take up a new hobby, join a gym or take a cooking class.
References
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