How to Mend a Family Feud

While money or differing lifestyles or priorities might be the impetus behind a family feud, at the root of the problem is a failure to communicate. Try these steps to mend a rift.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately challenging

Introspection

1. Allow yourself time and space to calm down if you had a recent argument and you're full of anger.
2. Swallow your pride and decide that you definitely want to mend the relationship. Think about the undesirable outcomes if you do not mend it.
3. Examine your own role in the feud. Did you do or say things because you felt hurt and wanted to lash back?
4. Try to understand the other person and why he or she has acted in a hurtful way. Fight the urge to judge the person.
5. Forgive and forget. Holding a grudge will only eat you up inside.

Face-to-face discussion

6. Choose a private location to talk to the relative, preferably in person. The dinner table is not the place to discuss family feuds.
7. Apologize for anything you did that caused this person harm. Take responsibility for your actions. Do not assign blame to the other person.
8. Explain why the relationship is important and affirm your love for the other person.
9. Listen to his or her response. Do your best to understand the person's position on the matter as you listen.
10. If the person says things you find hurtful, resist reacting with anger. Say instead, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Follow-up

11. Give your relative time and space to come around. This is a good opportunity for you to work on attaining the virtue of patience.
12. Let your actions and words demonstrate the sincerity of your peace offering. Refuse to speak poorly of them and continue to reach out.
13. Forgive and forget, but don't be a fool. If a relative never repays loans, don't lend him or her money. If a relative repeatedly insults you, contact him or her by mail, not in person or by phone.
14. If your efforts do not work and the feud threatens to break up your immediate family, seek help from a professional family counselor.

Tips & Warnings

• Clear, detailed wills and careful estate planning can minimize potential feuds in the aftermath of a family patriarch's or matriarch's death.
• If a family member has abused you physically, emotionally or sexually, you do not need to mend relations with that person.
• Keep money or business separate from family as much as possible. If you decide to loan money to a family member, either make it a legally binding contract or don't expect payment in the future.