How to Make Amends After Cheating

Make amends by fixing the damage you've done to the relationship.

People cheat for many different reasons, and if you want to make amends with your partner, it means you regret your actions and need to make things right. Making amends can be a long and challenging task; one which requires patience and understanding. Your partner won't be able to move on immediately after your betrayal, so be prepared to put in a lot of effort and do whatever it takes for your partner to feel safe and trusting again.

Instructions

1. End all contact with the person you cheated with, even if it means altering your life a little -- such as if she's a close family friend or someone you work with. Assure your partner you will never see or speak to that person again, as your partner is the only woman who matters.

2. Speak honestly. Don't make excuses that could come across as you trying to shift the blame or get out of trouble. Tell your partner exactly what happened and why; your partner will be in a better place to make decisions and handle his emotions if he has all the information he requires.

3. Apologize repeatedly and sincerely. Give specific reasons for apologizing, such as you're sorry you hurt your partner or you're sorry you've damaged the relationship. Simply saying "I'm sorry" and hoping for the best will not be effective.

4. Give your partner what she needs to process the betrayal. If she requests time and space, let her have it; if she asks you to stay at home with her every evening for a while, do so. Give her the security and assurance she desires to help her cope.

5. Ask him what he needs for you to make amends. Everyone needs different things to feel as though their partner has made up for the cheating. He might ask for couple's counseling, for you to undertake certain tasks to prove your commitment -- it could be something simple like you helping more around the house or accompanying him to some of his favorite places. Commit to meeting his needs.

6. Reaffirm your love for your partner as often as possible without being overbearing. Your partner will feel vulnerable and uncertain after your betrayal, so make sure she knows how much you still love her and want to remain in the relationship.

References

• After Infidelity or an Affair; Apologies... ; Judith Barnett;
• National Healthy Marriage Resource Center: Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage After an Affair
• Relationship Trust; How to Make Amends to Your Partner After Cheating; Susie and Otto Collins

Resources

• After Infidelity: After Infidelity or an Affair: Healing as a Couple
• Beyond Affairs; Surviving Infidelity and Recovering From Affairs; Anne Bercht