How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil

Please note that although selling one's soul to the Devil is a very serious matter, this article may not be! That being said, the quickest way to sell your soul to the Devil is to join the Church of Satan (it takes a few hours). Established in 1966, the church teaches its members to take pride in having the strength and dedication to implement the tools of Satan and the wisdom to recognize the Unseen in our society.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately challenging

1. Find a cold room that has not received sunlight for three days and large piece of natural parchment paper that also has been in total darkness for three days.
2. Draw a large pentagram on the parchment paper and place it on the floor in order to protect yourself. Stay inside the pentagram from beginning to end. Treading outside it will make any mistake permanent.
3. Saturate the air with incense of your choice, and conduct the ritual in solitude to maintain full powers of concentration.
4. Take a vial of goat's blood (not sheep's blood, ever!) and scatter drops within the pentagram--but not outside it, and not on your feet. After the scattering you must not tread on the blood, otherwise you will carry it with you outside the pentagram.
5. Memorize and utter the Church of Satan Invocation: "In the name of all the Lords of the Abyss, I call out to the Powers of Darkness. Come to my aid for I am helpless before my adversaries. I am thy servant. Thy will is as my own. I am ever dutiful in serving thee. Come forth from thy dark abodes and answer to your names. Hear my plea!"
6. Send $100 to the Church of Satan (churchofsatan.com). In 16 weeks, you'll receive an embossed crimson card declaring you a member of the church. This card is your means for identifying yourself as a genuine member of the Church of Satan to other members.

What to Look For:

• Cold, dark room
• Parchment
• Incense
• Goat's blood
• Church of Satan invocation
• Lifetime membership fee

Tips & Warnings

• Since Satanism is a philosophy that holds individualism as one of its main values, the Church of Satan doesn't expect all its members to agree on everything--or even to get along with each other.
• Once you complete the ritual, the adamantine Gates of Hell are thrown open. Boldly stride within and learn about the "Feared Religion," or slink away in fear and ignorance. The choice is yours.
• Your soul determine your eternal life. Do not sell your soul to demon.