How to Become Oski, Mascot of the University of California
"You can't set out to become Oski; it just sort of happens to you," explains an anonymous member of the secret Oski Committee. So it's kind of a Zen thing, but don't give up your dream. Here's how to increase your chances of being invited to become the Golden Bear.
- Difficulty:
- Challenging
Instructions
Things You'll Need
- Aerobic/fitness Shoes
- Books On Communication Skills
- Joke Books
- High-energy Snacks
- Caffeine Pills
- Foot Powders
- Ibuprofen
- Acting Classes
- Health Club Memberships
- Megaphones
- Exercise Motivation Tapes
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1
Laugh off an invitation to attend Stanford; enroll at Cal.
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2
Check your height. You must be shorter than 5-foot-8 to fit in the costume. Slouching won't help.
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3
Understand that the top-secret, Star Chamber-like Oski Committee chooses each year's Oski through an ancient, hallowed process which can best be summed up as, "Now there's a chipper young student endowed with many noble attributes - hmmm...."
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4
Get noticed. Attend every athletic event from football games to the intramural foosball tournament, displaying enough Cal spirit to power all of Berkeley.
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5
Adopt "Go Bears!" as a form of greeting and farewell. Oski is bursting with Cal pride.
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6
Demonstrate foot speed. Run, don't walk, around campus. Know your time in the 40-yard-dash (you'll be asked). Oski has to be fast on his feet - wearing floppy shoes, no less.
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7
Perform random acts of selfless generosity. Oski receives no money, no reward and no sports cars from athletic boosters for his efforts, and desires none.
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8
Love little kids, because little kids love Oski.
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9
Display trustworthiness to all you meet. Be the campus confidante. Oski must keep his identity a secret, even to his family. Even to his closest, bestest buddies. Even to his soul mate. Well, to just about everybody, anyway.
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10
Find ways to show your high level of forbearance, your Job-like threshold for suffering. Oski spends long hours as a sweat-drenched, uncomfortable, itchy ursa major who still is as amiable as your favorite uncle after a couple of bourbons.
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11
Think cuddly. "Oski is a big, friendly teddy bear, basically," notes our secret Oski Committee member. Except, of course, when the need arises to bring down a certain arboreal miscreant....
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Tips & Warnings
Don't get carried away in your efforts to raise your profile. Brashness is the Stanford Tree. Hyperactivity is the Stanford Tree. Certifiable lunacy is the Stanford Tree (see "How to Become the Tree, Mascot of Stanford University").
