How to Give a Pep Talk to a Friend
Friendships can bring us some of our most cherished memories. Friends spend time celebrating rites of passage or just taking a quiet walk together. Friends also share deepest secrets and worries with each other. When one of your friends seems to be having a difficult time or obviously needs encouragement to move through uncertainty, you can help in several different ways. One of the most appreciated ways to help is by listening. Then offer your loving thoughts, your wisdom and words that are truly useful.
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Instructions
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Find a time and place to be alone with your friend, undisturbed, and away from other people or distracting scenes and noises. This can be at home, at a quiet park or at the beach. Nature is always a good setting for pep-talks.
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Invite your friend to share what seems to be troubling him. Starting with, "Are you okay?" or "I've noticed you seem a bit low lately," are fine openers. Then listen patiently and quietly as your friend speaks. Let him say whatever he needs to say for however long it takes.
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Notice any self-blame terminology or attacks on other people, but don't get caught up in any dramatic overtures. Then offer your input. Begin by acknowledging her frustrations, fears or worries. Express your understanding of the situation as clearly as you are able, while avoiding all judgment about your friend or anyone involved.
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Speak gently and honestly. Your authentic self needs to come to the forefront. State the obvious regarding your friends best qualities. Remind her about her valued traits, skills and personality aspects that contribute to why you respect her as a friend. Let her know that others also see these things. Give examples of times she may have inspired you, too.
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Ask him what he's most concerned about. If job or relationship issues are mentioned, listen to options or choices he's considering. If he puts himself down or feels under-qualified or feels like a "failure," don't argue, but try to help him see examples of what you consider are his successes.
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Try using phrases like, "Have you thought about..." or "What do you think would happen if..." to discuss possible options and outcomes. Gently lighten up any gloomy or angry mood. Let him know it's fine to be angry or unhappy or frustrated, but there are great ways to direct that energy into feeling better.
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Ask her for her own ideas on what would make her feel better. If she says, "A new job," ask her to describe the dream job. If she says things like a different place to live or new clothes, offer to go looking with her. Mention any habits or times you've shared that were enjoyable, such as trying on hats together or decorating the apartment.
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Encourage self-acceptance and accepting things for what they are. Ask if he can forgive his own foibles and those of others. And don't be afraid to say, "I love you just the way you are, but the green hair really does hide your beautiful eyes," or something truly humorous to ease the emotions.
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Get your friend laughing. Remind him that life is never as hard as we think it is, and we can make better choices from all the things we learn. Remind your friend you're always ready to lend an ear if she needs you. Then offer to buy lunch.
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Tips & Warnings
Friendships are a bit like testing grounds. You can't always say the "perfect thing," but you can be fully present and respectful.
Focus on everything that's "right" in your friend's life.
Help your friend learn about affirmations, such as posting sticky notes to desks, mirrors or on the refrigerator with sayings like: Life is great today, I am so happy, I am loved and supported and I have great friends.
Trust your intuition on what your friend truly needs from you. For example, if it's better to stay home and light a candle and listen to music, fine. Maybe a hot bath is in order or watching a classic film. Sometimes it's enough to just be there.
If your friend is showing signs of depression, an unwillingness to talk at all or directs violent language or actions your way, you can either leave or suggest going together to get professional help.
If your friend is using drugs or abusing alcohol, know the signs to get help.
References
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