How to Deal With a Pushy Person Who Means Well

Humor is one way to defuse unwanted aggression.

It only seems like pushy people run the world, wreaking their brand of havoc on the tolerant, polite and mild-mannered. What's more likely is that pushy folks have a way of seeming more numerous than they really are. It's also true that not every pushy person means badly. If you are stuck with someone who seems not to be aware of her impact on others, and you want to change the dynamic, you can do this by being assertive.

Instructions

1. Assess the motivations and triggers for the pushy person's behavior. Pay attention to factors such as when the behavior goes from bad to intolerable. If it happens at a certain time of day, or seems to be a response to stress (as in a workplace), then that may be a clue either to avoiding the negative impact, or doing something about it (for example, by engaging this person about a specific stress trigger, such as deadlines or management).

2. Use humor to gently mirror the impact of the behavior on you. Try humorously modeling a "submission" or "defiance" posture (for example, throwing your hands in the air and saying, "I surrender!" or drawing an imaginary line and saying, "Whoever crosses this line of death must answer me these questions three"). The point is to send the message that you know this person means well and also that you want the dynamic between you to change.

3. Set and maintain clear boundaries. For example, tell the pushy person you're off limits to his complaints during lunch, or that you don't want him to text you about your plans during evening hours. If she is an acquaintance with whom you want to maintain a relationship, set a weekly or monthly get-together time when she has free reign to unleash her pushy energy, and minimize your contact in-between.

4. Use assertiveness skills. When met with a demand, offer to listen instead of giving in. Test for accuracy, reframe and reflect your dialogue partner's statements ("What I hear you saying is..." and "Could you clarify what you mean by..."). Assert the validity of your own viewpoint, using the language of perspective and informed opinion. Maintain eye contact, keep a neutral expression and stand with an erect, relaxed posture, with your feet slightly apart. Match the pushy person's aggression with your own focused energy.

References

• Have a Heart; Assessing Behavior; 2006
• Brain Injury Resource Center; Assertiveness Skills; 1998