How to Handle Stepchildren Who Do Not Respect You

Stepchildren disrespect stepparents to test boundaries and deal with a changing reality.

Blending two families is a difficult transition that involves patience and communication. Children hold on to the hope that their parents will get back together, and when one of the parents remarries, the children are resentful and mourn the loss of their family. They might react to this sadness and resentment by acting out, being disrespectful and distant to the stepparent. Deal with the issue with a mixture of discipline and love to show the child that while you will not tolerate disrespect or defiance, you care about him and want to be a part of his life.

Instructions

1. Speak to your spouse or partner about the behavior. Figure out what is causing the child to treat you this way. The child most likely opens up to his parent, so find out from your spouse what is causing your stepchild to act out. Discuss your individual methods for discipline. Communication between you and your spouse or partner provides a forum for you to compromise on your parenting styles and form a united front. Arguing about discipline in front of the children shows weakness and may lead to the children's thinking they are in control because you cannot agree on the rules.

2. Establish house ground rules. Apply the same rules to every child in the house, whether he is your child, your spouse's child or a child the two of you share. Children thrive on consistency, so make it a rule that everyone in the house eats dinner together at a certain time or make a chart of household responsibilities for each family member. Consistently treating all of the children the same way helps the children adjust to the new family situation and feel confident in the fact that there is no favoritism, only love and respect for everyone.

3. Enforce the rules. If the child is disrespectful, take his cell phone away for the rest of the day or revoke television privileges for the evening. There should be different consequences for older and younger children, but having the rules and applying them is key. Be consistent with the punishment, teaching the child that you will not allow him to get a away with breaking the rules. Over time he will see that you are not going to give in and realize that it is in his best interest to follow the rules.

4. Schedule family activities. Have a family game night or family movie night. Find an activity that everyone in the family enjoys, and encourage each member of the family to be a part of it. Finding ways to have fun together provides an outlet for letting go of stress and promotes family unity.

5. Spend some quality time with your stepchild. Find an activity you both enjoy and invite the child to join you in it. Build trust and show the child that you like to spend time with him. Be yourself and do not try to force the relationship to progress too quickly; children can sense when someone is being insincere. Carve out special time for the two of you weekly or every other week to show the child that you are a permanent, caring presence in his life.

6. Give the child space. The stepchild is dealing with a big transition, processing the loss of his family and possibly dealing with two new families. It takes time to work through those emotions and find a new sense of normal. Do not pry or force him to talk about what he is feeling. Show support and love by being a present and active part of his life until he is ready to trust you. Younger children are quicker to adjust to new people and situations, while older children may need more time to let a new person in. Patience is key when building this new relationship.

7. Seek professional help if major struggles continue over time. Go to a counselor with your spouse and all of your children. The counselor provides neutral territory for discussing family issues and offers helpful advice gained from experience and training in the subject. Give the child the opportunity to open up to the counselor on his own. Talking to a third party is a safe and trusted forum for him to release the bottled-up emotions and let go of the anger that is causing him to show aggression and disrespect.

Tips & Warnings

• Do not try to buy the stepchild's love. Using gifts to get your stepchild to like you will lead to problems in the future.

References

• Empowering Parents; My Blended Family Won't Blend! Part II: What to Do When Your Stepkids Disrespect You; James Lehman, MSW
• Kids Health: Becoming a Stepparent
• Healthy Children: Some Advice for Stepparents