How to Forgive Manipulators

Learn how to forgive someone who manipulated you.

Manipulation is so common that it's almost fair to call it human. According to Dr. George K. Simon, Ph.D., manipulation is an act of aggression by one person towards another enacted in an attempt by the manipulator to get what he wants. Manipulators want different things from power and control to attention and affection. Manipulators are effective at disguising their aggression as hurting, protecting, caring and defending, making it difficult for those being manipulated to recognize and free themselves of the person's behavior. This is particularly difficult when the manipulator is a parent, child, spouse or close friend. Once you have broken free, the forgiveness process begins.

Instructions

1. Acknowledge the hurt that the manipulator has caused you. Write the person a letter or email detailing how he has deceived you, being as specific as possible. Confront the person, telling him clearly and plainly what he's doing that's harmful or aggressive and why you believe it's wrong. Remind him that while he thinks he's looking out for himself, he's doing it at the expense of yourself and others.

2. Expect a manipulator to deny, ignore or justify his behavior and the hurt he's caused you or someone you love when you confront him about it. Understand that before manipulators con others, they deceive themselves and in time, don't see their behavior as hurtful, but rather their efforts to be treated fair and to get what they rightfully deserve.

3. Refuse to accept the blame, guilt and shame that a manipulator will try to pass off on you. Resist his efforts to get you to do what he wants you to do. Refuse to support his behavior, even if that means setting physical limits on the amount of time you spend together, where you interact and what you do when you're together.

4. End the relationship, if possible, or separate yourself from the person by moving out or refusing to spend time together until the manipulator acknowledges his hurtful, destructive and selfish behavior.

5. Look inward for instances where you have manipulated others for perspective on the manipulator that will move you out of anger and into pity for the person. Begin to let go of your anger and hurt by praising yourself for freeing yourself of the manipulator's control and reminding yourself how sad, lonely and afraid the person is because of his choices to manipulate. Find out what you can about the person's past to understand what drove him to manipulate others in the first place.

6. Focus on all that you have to be thankful for. Direct your thoughts to the friends and loved ones in your life who treat you right when you are tempted to dwell on the hurt and pain that the manipulator caused you. Acknowledge that the person wronged you and then make a conscious choice to forgive him for those wrongs. Remind yourself that you forgave him whenever you are tempted to think about or meditate on how he wronged and hurt you. Understand that in time, you should develop a habit of not dwelling on the person and should feel angry less often and experience feelings of forgiveness and peace more of the time.

7. Encourage yourself to forgive the manipulator whenever you are tempted not to by reminding yourself that holding on to the hurt and pain will only hurt you and keep you enslaved to the manipulator. Remind yourself that forgiveness is freedom and vow to always move forward.

References

• "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People"; George K. Simon; 1996
• Paul and Layne: Manipulation in Relationships and How to Deal with it
• Mayo Clinic: Forgiveness - Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness