How to Forgive Without Resentment

Agree to disagree when forgiving.

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and feelings of revenge. Understanding the benefits of forgiveness provides the incentive, and deciding to forgive involves acknowledging the hurtful act and processing the resulting emotions. It is also important to understand that forgiveness does not mean forgetting what occurred or releasing the offending individual from responsibility. The process of forgiveness is not immediate. It takes patience and may occur over months or years.

Instructions

1. List the physical and emotional benefits of forgiveness. Physically, forgiving results in an improved cardiovascular and immune system, less chronic pain and reduced incidence of chemical dependency. Emotional benefits include reduced stress, anxiety and depression, improved performance at work or school and restored optimism and emotional health.

2. 

   Journaling is a healthy and therapeutic emotional outlet.

   Acknowledge the hurtful act. This is best done by recalling the event and physically releasing emotions through journaling or speaking with a counselor.

3. 

   The offender may not acknowledge any wrongdoing.

   Identify the payoffs that drive your resentment and hesitancy to forgive. This is an important step in forgiveness, according to Dr. Phil McGraw. The ill-perceived benefit of continued resentment, for example, is not having to confront the offender and possibly be rejected or invalidated.

4. Ask the offender, if appropriate, for an opportunity to discuss the situation. Ask for the offender's perspective of the events. Calmly share your perspective and the emotional impact.

5. 

   Role play what you'd like to say to the offender.

   Verbalize words of forgiveness while imagining the offender sitting across from you. Share your perception and the emotional impact of the offending act. Advise the offender he no longer has emotional power or control over you.

Tips & Warnings

• Seek professional counseling as needed. "Psychology Today" has a nationwide database of professional mental health resources.

• Avoid confronting an offender when there is a possibility of physical or emotional abuse.

References

• Mayo Clinic: Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness
• Essential Life Skills: Forgiveness and Letting Go: How to Achieve It
• Dr. Phil: Life Strategies

Resources

• Mayo Clinic: Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness
• "Psychology Today": Find a Therapist