How to Deal With Disrespect With Your Children

Dealing with disrespectful children is difficult and often maddening.

Parenting is one of the most challenging responsibilities of adulthood. Dealing with disrespectful children is difficult and often maddening. When parents lose control and react out of anger, resentment or need for control, a difficult situation escalates which may lead to punishment instead of a change in behavior. When parents acquire the perspective of dealing with the issue, not the child, change is possible. Parents often enable disrespectful behavior by their own behavior when dealing with their child.

Instructions

1. Accept the reality that disrespectful behavior is occurring, although you do not agree with it. Do not yell, threaten, shame or punish, as these behaviors are disrespectful on your part. The goal is to demonstrate and model respectful behavior.

2. Communicate with your child. Talk with your child about your new perspective on the disrespectful behavior you both exhibit at various times. Explain you are going to ignore disrespectful behavior and will only interact when behavior is respectful.

3. Discuss with your child where she wants to go when she in not ready to be respectful. This is a place for time away to cool down, like a quiet corner or her bedroom. Make a plan for where you will go if she chooses not to cool down and leave your space. You may decide your bedroom or office is a good place to wait for her to calm down.

4. Initiate your plan and ignore disrespectful behavior and engage with your child only when she is respectful.

5. Avoid correcting the disrespect. Correction does not teach, it infuriates and encourages more disrespect. Focus on immediately reinforcing positive interactions with a smile, eye contact, and commenting on mature behavior.

6. Stop rewarding persistent disrespectful behavior. Rewards are different for every child. Some children like attention, positive or negative. Others enjoy power over parents. Making a parent angry or breaking her down is rewarding. Learn what is reinforcing to your child and avoid that behavior at all times when disrespect is occurring. Give children positive attention and power when their behavior is respectful.

7. Stay the course. Do not let whining, crying, and threats scare or shame you into rewarding the negative behavior. Ignoring disrespectful behavior initially increases the undesirable behavior before you see a change. The longer you and your child have engaged in mutual disrespectful behavior, the longer it will take to see permanent change.

8. Encourage your child to talk with you about the process of the change the two of you are going through. Effective communication is the key to respect, and practice makes perfect.

References

• Terrific Parenting; Disrespect
• Discipline Help: The Disrespectful
• Telling it Like it Is; How to Stop Enabling When Your Own Children Disappoint Us; April 10, 2008

Resources

• Focus on the Family: Handling Disrespect