How to Pay a Shiva Visit

Jews refer to the seven day period following burial as the shiva period. During shiva, friends, family members and acquaintances visit the home of the deceased or his loved ones to comfort the mourners. Traditional Judaism recognizes that death leaves the mourner in a state of deep pain and loneliness, and the laws and customs related to the shiva visit are intended to lessen the intensity of those feelings. Shiva calls are inevitably a bit uncomfortable, but knowing what to expect -- and what is expected of you -- will make the visit easier.

Instructions

1. Enter the mourner's house silently. Knock lightly before opening the door if it is not already ajar, but do not expect the mourners to greet you; simply walk in. Jewish custom dictates that mourners should not open the door for you, welcome you or acknowledge your arrival by standing.

2. Seat yourself near the mourners. Chairs will be arranged near the grieving relatives. Stand to the side if all the chairs are occupied when you first enter. Wait for a visitor to leave and then take the available seat.

3. Wait for the mourners to begin speaking. Do not greet them or initiate conversation. Expect mourners to speak about the deceased, discuss his fine qualities, and recall specific memories and anecdotes. Jewish law considers this to be therapeutic and you should not interfere with this in any way. Do not attempt to distract mourners by changing the subject.

4. Share any stories you have of the deceased. Once the mourners begin speaking, take this as your cue to share personal memories. Avoid discussing trivial matters that have nothing to do with the deceased. Resist the temptation to make small talk just to get the conversation flowing; if the mourners are not speaking, your silent presence is preferable to irrelevant small talk. Avoid speaking about inconsequential topics, such as sports, politics or the state of the economy.

5. Allow mourners to express their emotions. Do not interfere with mourners who feel a need to cry. Sit quietly and show support through your mere presence.

6. Remain for a reasonable amount of time -- about 15 to 20 minutes -- and stand to go. Approach the mourners and say, "HaMakom yenacheim etchem betoch sha'ar aveiliei Tzion v'Yerushalayim" -- May the Almighty comfort you among those who mourn for Zion and Jerusalem. Step away from the mourners and leave quietly, allowing another visitor to take your place.

Tips & Warnings

• Jewish law and custom considers it improper to bring gifts to the mourners. Instead, consider giving tzedakah -- charity -- in memory of the deceased.

• Neighbors and friends often coordinate and send meals throughout the week of shiva. If you wish to send or bring food, contact the person who is arranging meals for the family and ask how you can help.

• Mourners customarily remain in the shiva house throughout the week. If they have posted specific visiting times on the door, respect the family's need for privacy and rest and visit only during those times.

References

• Chabad.org: Comforting the Bereaved
• Aish.com; A Practical Guide to Paying a Shiva Call; Lori Palatnik
• "The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning"; Maurice Lamm; 1969