How to Deal With the Stress From Living With a Difficult Person
Whether it is a roommate, family member, or spouse, living with a difficult person can be emotionally draining. The author of Dealing with Difficult People, Judy Esmond, Ph.D., says that, "These difficult people can be frustrating, annoying and often just plain exhausting." In order to effectively deal with the stress from living with a difficult person, you will need to do some internal work, and set up some firm personal boundaries. Choose your battles, and understand that living peacefully under the same roof with this person is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.
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Instructions
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Take the advice of relationship expert Judy Esmond, Ph.D. when living with a difficult person. Esmond says to, "Try first to gain some understanding of that person and why they are behaving in that way, before trying to be understood." Think back on the things this person has shared with you about his past. Abuse in childhood, a recent heartbreak, or major stress at work may all factor into why the person you live with is being so difficult. Try to understand where the person is coming from, so that you can be compassionate when it comes time to confront the person about their negative behavior.
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Make a list of all the negative behavior exhibited by the difficult person in your life. Be as specific and detailed in your descriptions as possible. Go over the list, making notes in the margin that express how each negative behavior brings stress into your life. Take a few moments to acknowledge that the behavior of the difficult person under your roof is his responsibility, not yours. Release yourself from the stress associated with taking on undue responsibility for another person's behavior. Say out loud, "This is his problem, not mine." Do this until you feel a noticeable sense of relief in your emotions.
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Take time to personally forgive the difficult person in your life for stressing you out. Do this before you confront the person, so that you can come to him in a positive, constructive frame of mind. When you forgive, you are really releasing yourself from toxic emotions like bitterness and offense. Even if the difficult person never apologizes to you, it is imperative to your own emotional health that you sincerely forgive the wrongs committed against you.
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Meet with the difficult person in your life, and bring the list you made with you. Start the meeting by praising the individual for their strengths, and let him know that you appreciate the role he plays in your life. Go over the list of specific questionable behavior with the person. Refrain from making abstract comments like, "You are always so bossy." Stick to concrete facts such as, "Yesterday you yelled at me to get out of the bathroom, even though I had only been in there five minutes. You opened the door without my permission, and you jabbed at me with your finger."
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Set some ground rules for living under the same roof together, in order to minimize your personal stress levels while at home. Make the ground rules relevant to the specific friction triggers in your relationship. For instance, set up a restroom schedule if it is a trigger for emotional outbursts. Assign specific household chores if you feel that you are pulling more than your reasonable weight in that department.
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Inform the person that you are going to begin confronting negative behavior as soon as it crops up. Reinforce the relationship by thanking the person for meeting with you, and by validating some of the positive things he brings into your life.
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Tips & Warnings
Be prepared for an immediate negative reaction from the stressful person in your life. Difficult people may not respond well to confrontation, but it must be done to ensure your own personal comfort in your own home.
Stick to your guns and begin confronting, even when it would be more comfortable to ignore stress inducing behavior at home. Otherwise, you will lose the respect of the other party and the stressful behavior will likely increase.
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