Being a big-time benchwarmer doesn’t have to be boring! The following insights can help you make the most of your plight on the sidelines—and maybe even start a second career.
Play Madden Football on a portable hand-held console. You’ll learn about opposing defenses, keep your hand-eye coordination sharp, and probably run up better statistics than the QBs on the field!
Step2
Pretend to keep stats on a clipboard—while actually taking notes for a sports tell-all that exposes the dark secrets of every one of your teammates. Yes, you’ll likely have to retire after publication for your own bodily safety, but hopefully the book’s bonus and royalties will keep you in the greenbacks.
Step3
Practice a Howard Cosell imitation until you have it down to a science. Laughter is a great healer, and what could be more supportive for your starting quarterback to hear after tossing a catastrophic interception than Cosell’s voice intoning: “He blew it on that one, Juice!”
Step4
Get a manual on the subject and study the cloud formations swirling over the stadium. Coach will love it when you hurriedly grab his attention with time running out in a tie game to explain the difference between cirrus and cumulus clouds.
Step5
Catch up on the classics—Chaucer, Dickens, Faulkner and the like. You may lose the respect of some of your less-intellectual teammates, but at least you’ll know who the heck Lady Chatterley is.
Step6
Dump Gatorade over random teammates’ heads from the moment the game starts. What coach wouldn’t appreciate such rampant enthusiasm?
Step7
Practice place-kicking into a net the entire game. A promotion from third-string quarterback to second-string place-kicker may be in your future!
Tips & Warnings
If all else fails you can just watch the game. Think of it as having the world’s best season-ticket deal!
