How to Deal With Adult Children and Spouse Confrontation

No one enjoys fights between two people they love.

Dealing with conflict between your adult children and your spouse can feel like you are the rope in a tug-of-war game. While your children may not have to live with you, as is the case with young children and teenagers, they are individuals with their own opinions that have developed over time. You cannot force a peaceful resolution on them just as you probably feel you cannot force it on your spouse.

Instructions

Ask the Right Questions

1. 

   Divorce can affect your relationship with your children.

   Determine what kind of relationship you have currently, as well as in the past, with your children. Is it good, strained or an all-out war? Has the children's other parent ever influenced their communication with you? Also review your relationship with your spouse. Could fighting with your children be their attempt to gain your attention? Have you ever brought up private issues about this relationship with your children?

2. 

   An immature adult will not want to see anyone else's point of view.

   Understand the kind of people your children and spouse are. Have they always gotten in heated arguments with others or are they normally civil? Just because your children are of an adult age does not mean they exhibit maturity. Examine each person's personality strengths as well as weaknesses.

3. 

   Do not expect two people who have never seen eye-to-eye to get along.

   Think about how much time your children and spouse have had to adapt to each other. It is natural for disagreements to occur at first but, with effort, this should dissipate over time. Measure how long have you lived with your children versus how long you have lived with your spouse to determine the amount of day-to-day experiences you have had with each.

4. 

   Whether the fighting is verbal or physical, it must be resolved.

   Get to the root of the current conflict. Can it be attributed to personality differences, one party's specific action or both?

Prevention and Maintenance

1. 

   Spending quality time with your adult child strengthens your relationship.

   Prevent an even larger confrontation by focusing on rebuilding the relationships rather than rehashing the past. Even if the children's other parent has had a hand in their conflicts with your spouse, do not point fingers or place blame. It is also a good idea to keep your private relationship with your spouse between the two of you and not divulge any problems to your children.

2. 

   Seek the advice of an unbiased friend or family member.

   Employ a neutral party to provide an outside perspective on the conflict. A mutual friend or family member who knows all involved, though has nothing to gain from agreeing with either side, is an ideal person to confide in. They can enlighten everyone on perspectives and solutions which may otherwise remain unseen.

3. 

   No matter what, your child is your blood.

   Make sure your spouse and children can relate to each other on some level and continue to fuel their similarities. Do not force a friendship if it becomes obvious it cannot exist and never cut ties with your children. Remember that a successful blended family depends on a good marriage, patience, civil behavior and mutual respect.

References

• Bonus Families: PAS and Adult Children
• Help Guide: Guide to Step-parenting and Blended Families