How to Deal With Sibling Rivalry in Adult Children

Adult sibling rivalry can be emotionally draining and may last for years.

We expect young children in families to fight with each other, competing for parental affection. We do not, however, usually associate sibling rivalry with adult behavior. But adult sibling rivalry is fairly common. Sometimes these rivalries do not manifest themselves in adulthood until the death of the parents and issues of inheritance surface. Sometimes these rivalries arise when one sibling achieves greater professional or personal status and the other sibling reveals jealousy. Whether you are the parent or one of the adult siblings caught up in such rivalry, it is a important to learn how to deal with it.

Instructions

1. Request a family conference for all siblings and their parents if they are still alive. This will be an opportunity for the siblings to clear the air, re-examine their ways of interacting with each other and find news ways of communicating if necessary.

2. Avoid destructive criticism and sarcasm when speaking to your siblings. Listen carefully to what they are saying and try to see their points of few. Do not be afraid to apologize if you realize you said or did something wrong. Honestly express how you are feeling.

3. Recognize that often the root of adult sibling rivalry is in incidents and patterns that occurred and were developed in childhood. Make a determined effort to start fresh and see your sibling through fresh eyes. Let go of the past.

4. Break free from old patterns of behavior. For example, you may realize that you are constantly trying to win the love and respect from an older brother who may not be able to give it to you. Stop wanting what you cannot have.

5. Recognize that parents may inadvertently set up competitions by comparing one sibling to another. Forgive your parents for this and let it go.

6. Accept the fact that people can and do change. Just because siblings reinforced negative ways of interacting does not mean they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes forever. Resolve to start acting differently immediately.

7. Wait for time to pass. An article in "Psychology Today" reported that studies show 80 percent of siblings aged over 60 have good, close relationships with each other. Do not lose hope.

8. Consider severing ties with a troublesome sibling. If you have tried everything possible and the relationship is still emotionally draining for you, if might be best if you stopped communicating with this sibling and try to have nothing further to do with him, at least for the immediate future.

References

• Texas Agrilife Extension Service: Brothers, Sisters and Aging Parents: Assess Your Sibling Relationship; 2011
• "Psychology Today"; Adult Sibling Rivalry; Jane Mersky Leder; July 13, 2009
• Brigham Young University: "Oh Brother! Managing Sibling Rivalries"; Phyllis Kramer Hirschkop