How Does an Affair Affect a Couple?
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When people enter into marriage, they are entering into a covenant. When entering into the covenant, both parties agree to specific things that are usually outlined in their wedding vows. These often include to honor, cherish and be faithful to each other. When a person has an extramarital affair, she is breaking her covenant, voiding her promises and showing no regard for her agreement. Affairs can even cause trouble in dating relationships. When two parties commit to being in an exclusive relationship, by having an affair, the cheater disrespects the boundaries of the relationship. Whenever people in a committed relationship have affairs, they jeopardize their relationships, are forced to continuously lie to their partners and struggle with issues of guilt. They may also live in fear that their affair will be exposed and may do things that would normally be out of character. These behaviors often serve to protect themselves, their relationships and their secret and can put others in harm's way. When a person is having an affair, they are not able to have an open and honest relationship with their partner. Statistics from the Associated Press found that 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admit to having had an affair (see Resources).
Affairs can be physical or emotional, and many affairs start out in Internet chat rooms. In fact, 10 to 20 percent of affairs begin online and a third of divorces cite online affairs as a reason for divorce (see Resources).
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Dr. Don-David Lusterman, a clinical psychologist that operates a website called infidelityhelp.com, defines infidelity as a breaking of trust (see Resources). Once the bond of trust is broken in a relationship, it can be very difficult to rebuild. Relationships and marriages are based on trust. Each party has faith in the other that the boundaries and premises of the relationship will be respected. When one person flees and enters into an affair the trust is broken. Unfortunately, the longer the affair goes on, the more the partner is forced to live a fake life, full of lies and deceit. When his partner eventually finds out, she is likely to be devastated and feel completely betrayed. When a person in a relationship can't be trusted to be monogamous, other serious issues can arise. Insecurity issues can come to the surface, and the partner who has lost trust may constantly question and check up on her partner. The person having an affair also puts his partner at risk for sexually transmitted diseases.
Rebuilding trust can be a long process, and those who choose to reconcile afterward are on a bumpy path. -
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If a partner senses his mate is having an affair or has proof that she's had one, it can be hard for him to be intimate with her. He may be constantly thinking about the reasons that his partner strayed and may wonder why he wasn't good enough. He may struggle with body image issues and self-esteem, and may wonder what he did to cause his partner to stray. On his website, Dr. Lusterman says that a partner who has been hurt by an affair may even feel ambivalent about the relationship, wanting it to continue one minute and end the next. The partner may also be self-conscious and wondering if her partner is thinking about the one that he had an affair with. Affairs can make intimacy between partners non-existent. It can take a lot of time for someone who has been hurt by an affair to want to be intimate with their partner who strayed. Seventy to 80 percent of those who admit to an affair and commit to recovery, though, will continue on to have a healthy and stronger marriage (see Resources).
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