Putting a Pet to Rest

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When dealing with grief, it is important to recognize that it comes in all different forms, and pets are attachments for us.

— Jodi Caroland, licensed professional counselor

Understanding Grief

The loss of human life is often viewed as more traumatic than the loss of a pet. However, the loss of a pet can be just as devastating for its owners. “There is a difference in how other people perceive this loss, in particular those who do not understand the human-animal bond, and that may be difficult for the family that lost a pet,” said Linda Lawrence, clinical instructor and veterinary social work services coordinator at Michigan State University in Lansing.

Just as someone may feel guilt after a human has died, feelings of guilt often surface once a pet has died, especially if the family made the decision to euthanize. “People are sure they made the wrong decision," Lawrence said, "no matter which decision they chose.”

She said it is important that a grieving family find a sympathetic friend who will “listen to everything and validate the feelings, and also remind them of the love for the animal family member — that they did the best they could with what they knew at the time.”

The differences between grieving human loss and animal loss are minimal, Lawrence said. Families may experience stages of grief after the loss of a pet just as they would if a close friend or family member had died.

According to Swiss-born psychiatrist and author Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the five stages of grief -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance -- detail potential stops during the grief process and were defined to help us cope with life and loss.

The stages are not sequential but instead dynamic, since most people experience grief in a “roller coaster fashion,” said Gail Bishop, clinical coordinator for the Argus Institute at Colorado State University’s Veterinary Teaching Hospital in Fort Collins.

“Stages implies that we move neatly from one stage to another, never to repeat but instead move forward," Bishop said, "when in reality, we can feel anger, denial, bargaining all at once and again and again.”

Bishop said that grief for a pet is very similar to human loss, depending on the nature of the relationship. “If you love something, you grieve that relationship and that role. Grief is an individual journey.”

The purity of the relationship with an animal often heightens the grieving process, Bishop said. “Animals tend to be so unconditional -- their intentions are pure, the relationships are pure,” she said. “Animals just want to be with us and make us feel needed and wanted. This is something we may not get from our human counterparts.”

Moving Forward

Losing a pet can be a devastating experience whether the death is unexpected or the result of a long-term illness.

When Dr. Diane Pomerance lost her beloved dog Caesar to bone cancer in 1998, she said she started grieving following his diagnosis. “When the loss finally came, I was devastated,” Pomerance said. “It was such a deep void in my heart and my life. It impacted me more than I realized.”

Pomerance, a certified grief recovery specialist, contacted local animal organizations for help, only to find that resources for pet grief were nonexistent. After battling crying spells and the various stages of grief for several months, Pomerance took matters into her own hands and established the Pet Grief Counseling program for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals of Texas.

“We tend to minimize human loss, much less pet loss,” Pomerance said. “We are told not to cry or talk about it, and that is the unhealthiest approach. We need to address it and adopt it with people who are sympathetic and empathetic.”

Families facing the loss of a pet can meet with other families experiencing the same trauma through pet grief programs like the one Pomerance founded. These programs teach parents how to approach the topic of death with their children.

“The approach depends on the child and the caliber of the relationship she had with the pet, but parents must remember that oftentimes, the pet is [the child's] closest friend, trusted buddy and only confidante,” Pomerance said. “Children should feel free to express their feelings. Don’t just say, ‘We’ll get another one’ or ‘It was just a dog.’ This minimizes the importance of the pet.”

Pomerance suggests that parents foster an open and honest dialogue about death with their children. “Don’t sugarcoat it. Children need to understand that the pet is not a toy and that loss is inevitable,” Pomerance said.

Bishop agrees. “It’s natural for parents to want to protect their child from pain, but the truth will come out eventually," she said. "Don’t tell your child that the family dog ran away or went to sleep. Children need lots of honesty and a strong support system. Kids are resilient.”

Preserving the pet’s memory may help the entire family cope with the loss, Bishop said. Many families host a funeral or memorial service to talk about what they loved about the pet. Children can prepare poems, stories or drawings to share.

Bishop also suggests planting a rose bush in memory of the pet so the family has a constant reminder of their best friend. Collecting donations for a local animal shelter or animal charity in Fido’s memory can also help along the healing process.

“I know pet owners who have created slide shows, videos and even postcard obituaries to celebrate the life of their pet,” Bishop said. “Children should be a part of this process. Memorializing the pet parallels human death and teaches them about normal adult grieving.”

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