Keeping Your Cool When It Comes to Prom

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There is no way parents aren't going to get into conflicts with their child throughout this [prom-preparation] process. But you can plan for the argument.

— Robyn McKay, psychologist for the Gary K. Herberger Young Scholars Academy, Arizona State University

Rite of Passage

You can remember the day your daughter took her first steps without any help, and you swear the afternoon your son passed his driver's license test happened just yesterday. But why do those milestones seem to pale in comparison to the frighteningly monumental significance of a night that primarily consists of a meal and dancing?

Apart from the technical details of prom, the intangible characteristic of this key event of high school is its subtext: a formal notice that your little boy or girl isn't so little anymore. Joy at seeing your child become a young adult clashes with a longing to turn back the clock. This conflict is what lies at the root of many prom-related debates.

"The teenager is growing up and prom is a rite of passage, and [some of the issues come] from parents feeling they are giving up or relinquishing control," said Robyn McKay, a psychologist for the Gary K. Herberger Young Scholars Academy at Arizona State University's Phoenix campus. "You realize that your kid is no longer a baby."

While teens are typically eager to embrace impending adulthood and crave independence, McKay explains, their parents' natural instinct is to fight it -- mostly out of a genuine concern for their child, but also in an effort to put off the inevitable for just a little longer.

"As a result, what parents tend to do is hold on tighter. They want to provide one last push for guidance [regarding] good decision-making, making healthy choices," McKay said.

Being aware of this tendency may be a good first step in curbing unavoidable disputes and keeping your blood pressure and sanity in check, relatively speaking.

"There is no way parents aren't going to get into conflicts with their child throughout this process," McKay said. "But you can plan for the argument."

Create a Vision Together

Shopping for a dress, trying on tuxes, ordering the right flowers and securing dinner reservations ahead of time are par for the prom course. But another beforehand preparation is also important and key to avoiding many of the last-minute headaches and debates over budget, clothing, curfews and similar details: discussions concerning the agenda and expectations for the big night.

These discussions should start about a month before prom, before excitement kicks into high gear, suggests Kim Obert, program manager for DrugFreeAZ.org, in Phoenix.

"Taking the time to review expectations and explore options before the event will help both you and your teen keep your sanity," Obert said, adding it will also make it easier to avoid giving in to your teen at the last minute.

Balance is instrumental to maintaining as much peace as possible. To guide daughters without dominating, for example, McKay suggests mothers and daughters create a vision of prom together, perhaps through Pinterest or some other interactive method that encourages dialogue and generates ideas and even input from friends and their mothers. Doing this can be particularly helpful when it comes to dresses, makeup and hair, which tend to be among the costliest items.

"This way, when it comes time to buy the dress or get the updo, they both have the vision in mind, and that's going to eliminate a lot of conflict," McKay said. "And if you get others involved, moms can help to steer choices by saying, 'I love the neckline on this dress.'"

And while sticking to a budget is a must, resist the temptation to use it as a control tool. You may have set a $200 limit on your daughter's dress, but what happens when she walks out of the dressing room in a $200 dress she loves but is too tight, too low-cut or just plain inappropriate?

The common reaction, McKay says, is for parents to threaten not to buy it. This leads to conflict about that specific dress, which can be lengthy and frustrating. Instead, McKay recommends asking your daughter what she likes about that dress and working with her to find one that will please both of you.

"It's a very common power play [for parents] to hold money over their kid's head. But don't use it as a source of power. Give it as a gift, work to manage the conflict and avoid the power struggle," McKay said.

Prom can also serve as a lesson in financial empowerment and decision-making. For example, if your son wants to hire a limo but it's not in your budget, talk with him about other options, like getting a group of friends together to split the costs or renting a less-pricey but equally sophisticated car and having Dad or another relative dress up as a driver.

"It's a great time for problem-solving," McKay said.

Two Phrases to Remember

When it comes to the more serious topics of safety, curfews and appropriate behavior, McKay suggests encouraging as much dialogue as possible by using one of two phrases when your teen expresses a desire to follow a course of action that doesn't initially thrill you: "Yes, and…" and "Tell me more."

Either of these can be useful when your child wants a curfew extension or to make a mystery stop or two on the town after prom ends.

"When you say no, you shut down the conversation and they'll go and do it behind your back. When you ask them to tell you more or say yes and add an opinion or comment, it furthers the conversation," McKay said.

Even if there is an eventual "no" along the way, parents can typically get their child to compromise first by keeping the dialogue going.

"Then you're giving your kids the opportunity to make it their idea," McKay said.

When it comes to staying safe, reiterate that your teen can call you at any hour for help without risking your anger. Even if she rolls her eyes during your speech about not getting in the car with a drunk driver, staying away from drugs and not sipping from a cup she left unattended or those contents are not known, remind her you won't be angry if she calls.

"If they think you're going to be mad at them, they're not going to call you [when they need you] and they'll figure out a way to get a ride," McKay said. "You want to create that safety net around them and give them options."

During these intense conversations, if you can slip in a joke or story from your youth to make them chuckle, do it.

"Using humor is one of the most powerful tools to convey information," McKay said.

Coaching your children through a few scenarios beforehand, letting him practice his reactions to certain situations in front of you, will go a long way in assuring you he is equipped with the right information and in easing your mind.

"Ask your teen how they would handle the situation and what they would do if their ride had been drinking or using drugs," Obert said.

Shining the spotlight on your teen's friends is another way to get the message across effectively. Each year, Benjamin Forbes, student council sponsor and TV productions teacher at Corona del Sol High School in Tempe, Arizona, helps students produce a public service announcement for other students about prom safety. This year, a major topic is the dangers of binge drinking, a dangerous trend among high school students.

Instead of warning students how risky and potentially fatal behaviors could directly affect them, Forbes asks students to imagine people they care about in those situations.

"Rather than saying, 'You can get hurt,' we say, 'Think of your best friend right now and how it would impact you if that happened to him or her.' That makes them think. That's when they get it," he said.

Keep Your Cool

Speaking calmly and respectfully with your teen is vital in making sure he is receptive to your guidance. It will likewise help keep your stress level and voice volume low.

"They respond better when parents treat them as adults. When I hear a student say, 'My mom talks to me like I'm a child,' I can see that barrier go up," Forbes said. "By this age, they're almost adults and they're ready to understand that bad decisions have consequences."

If you feel your face getting hot and sense your body tensing up during a prom talk, McKay suggests physically changing your conditions. Deep breathing provides more oxygen to your body, removes it from panic mode and keeps you in a calm and rational state. Create a code word and use it when necessary to signal when it's time for everyone to walk away and take a break until heads have cooled.

"Notice your red flags and remind yourself, 'I need to take a breath,'" McKay said. "Begin with the end in mind. Think about how your kid wants to feel at the end of prom and how you want to feel when it's over."

And typically, these two visions are more alike than different.

"We just want to make sure they know they're loved and all we want is for them to be safe and have a great night," Forbes said. "And that's what the kids want, too."

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