Raising the Stakes: Bedtimes, Allowance and Responsibilities
Small Steps Are Best When It Comes to Changing a Child's Routine
It is essential to figure out what the most effective reward for that particular child is when adding responsibility.
— Stacey Glaesmann, licensed professional counselor in Texas.
Establishing routines is key to running a well-oiled household. But, how do you know when it’s time to change things up, offer your children more freedom and step up the responsibilities of each family member?
“As children grow older, there are two possible pitfalls: letting them stay babies or trying to make them grow up too fast,” said Crystal Lutton, Arizona-based mom of five and author of “Grace-Based Living.” “Finding that balance of respecting them where they are is such an important thing.”
If your children seem bored or even resistant when it comes to chores, rules, allowances and even bedtimes, it may be time to re-evaluate the routine.
Tuning In to Your Child
A household will run much more smoothly if you're willing to re-evaluate what's working on a daily basis. Even though your child may excel at completing his chore chart each day, he may need to be challenged to take on more responsibility.
Lutton recommends giving him opportunities to show you what he can do.
“Sometimes, I will ask (children) to run and do something for me, and I see if they can,” she said. “If they can’t, it’s fine. I just jump in to help, but I am often surprised.”
As soon as children start showing initiative, Lutton says, it’s time to move out of the way.
“No need to be offended by the ‘me do it myself’ stage," she said. "Let them."
Reminders of the need for more responsibility will also prepare your children for additional duties.
“I spend a lot of time telling my children, ‘When you are able, you will use the potty, clean your room and put away groceries,’” Lutton said.
Behavior and age will also help you determine when to increase a child's household chores and responsibilities. Lutton said she did this when her kids hit 5, 8 and 11.
“I can tell it’s time to increase responsibilities when the child does what I term ‘stealing freedom.’ Often they begin to sneak around and do something unacceptable,” she says. “At that point, we sit down and I explain that any stolen privilege is one you are not ready for, but their behavior is showing me that they are ready for more freedom.”
The child has to understand the only way to get the freedom she's ready for is to take on more responsibility, Lutton says.
“Responsibility earns privileges," she said. "We talk about some chores they can begin to take on and we talk about something that I will give them as a privilege because of this new level of responsibility.”
Cashing In
Maturity can also trigger other adjustments, such as how much allowance the child gets. Stephanie Coffin, parenting expert with Bellies, Babies & Beyond, an online parenting resource, thinks it should happen as soon as the child is physically able to do more around the house.
"Teaching children the harder they work the more allowance they will get is an invaluable goal for when they are adults,” she said.
Before giving out raises, Coffin recommends looking at the big picture. How long will they get an allowance? Will there need to be a raise every year or two years? How much will you be able to afford in five years?
While your children should complete some chores without monetary rewards, adding extra incentives and raising allowances for tougher work may motivate them to do more without resistance. Stacey Glaesmann, a Texas-based licensed professional counselor, recommends making chores part of the family’s normal routine at an early age.
“Small children usually want to help Mommy or Daddy around the house,” she said. “This is a great time to introduce the concept of chores and start rewarding the child with praise for completing tasks.”
It's only natural for children to resist chores as they get older. That's yet another reason Glaesmann thinks you should get them in the habit early.
“For older kids, it is essential to figure out what the most effective reward for that particular child is when adding responsibility,” she said. “It could be money, but it could also be going somewhere or seeing a certain friend.”
Pushing Back Bedtimes
Bedtimes may be a point of tension if your child craves more freedom. Glaesmann recommends setting new bedtimes by taking cues from your child.
“If the parent is putting the child to bed at a certain time and the child is lying there awake for another hour, then it’s probably time to let him stay up later,” she said. “However, if the child exhibits bad behavior in the evenings, then letting him stay up longer will only reinforce the behavior. These issues involve a lot of parental instinct.”
Lutton says behavior and maturity level both play a role in how late a child should be able to stay up.
“If you begin to notice your child having trouble falling asleep or waking up extremely early in the morning, you may want to try and let his bedtime be later,” she said.
It may help to test the waters on weekends. If you let your child stay up a little later on a Friday or Saturday night, wake him up at the same time you would for a school day and have him do the same school day routines.
“You will be able to notice if your child is ready to stay up later by his actions and attitude throughout the day,” Lutton said.
Adjusting bedtime in small increments could also help your child adapt to his newfound freedom. "It is smart to start to slowly increase bedtime to see how your child reacts," Lutton said. "You will know best if your child is too tired the next day and his bedtime should stay constant."
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