A Blended Family Holiday: How to Make it Merrier
Flexibility, Planning and Patience Help Children Adjust
When children truly know they are loved beyond any and all doubt, they have no need for strong feelings of jealousy during the holidays. They can better handle the crazy schedules of a blended family.
— Sheri Fluellen, Ph.D., Wyoming-based clinical psychologist
The holidays can be less than festive for children in blended families, but adults can take steps to make sure the festivities remain fun. With some thoughtful planning by parents, each child will feel appreciated and loved.
"This is not an easy situation for anyone, and my heart goes out to the children who have to live with a foot in two different worlds and are expected to figure it out on their own," said Dr. Sheri Fluellen, a Wyoming-based clinical psychologist. "It takes awhile for many kids to adjust to each home, if they even have enough time to adjust."
The key to helping children transition and enjoy their holiday is for parents to take charge of the planning while considering how the plan will affect each member of the family. This takes the responsibility off the children and frees them up to have more fun.
Simplify Transitions
Balancing two different schedules during the holidays can be daunting for parents of blended families, but even more so for children who might already feel conflicted about where they will stay and what will happen in each household.
One way that blended-family parents can lessen the difficulty for their children is to ease up on rules during the holidays, said Fluellen, who stressed that flexibility is important.
"One of the major difficulties I see is how the children respond to homes with different rules and discipline," she said. "When a child is going between two households that have two entirely different sets of rules (or lack thereof), it puts a lot of stress and confusion on the child."
The holidays intensify the stress of having different rules at different homes, resulting in tense situations for the child who is often expected to adapt quickly. "It is usually the home that is the most restrictive that feels the most pain during the holiday season," Fluellen said.
Before the holidays arrive, parents need to discuss household rules with their spouses. Decide which rules to keep and which can be relaxed during the holidays. Maybe it is all right to have two cookies instead of the usual one, or to stay up past bedtime to finish a Christmas movie on television.
Although it might not be possible in all situations, the holidays also can be easier on children if parents on both sides find ways to help the children transition between homes.
Kristin Edwards, a stepmom from Wyoming, said that some give and take on both sides can help kids transition between homes. "We are willing to stray from the visitation schedule," Edwards said. "If we have to plan around what is best for our daughter's schedule, we are willing to do that."
If children are not ready to move on to the next home, they can be emotional and edgy during the next set of holiday festivities. If both parties are agreeable, allowing a child to spend an extra night or two at one parent's home can help the child better adjust to the transition.
Another option is to adjust trade-off times. For example, allowing a child to come home in the afternoon on Christmas Day rather than early in the morning as usual can give the child time to prepare mentally. However you choose to make the transition, mention plans to the child the day before and again when the transition gets closer to prevent an unpleasant surprise for the child.
Create New Traditions
Children can get bored with celebrating the same traditions at different homes within days. Eating the same Christmas meal twice can get monotonous. Giving up a few family traditions in exchange for new ones can offer children something to look forward to as they move between the two homes.
Lynn Montoya, a women's ministry leader and a stepmom, said that parents should include children in decisions about what to do as a family during special holidays, such as Christmas and New Year's celebrations.
"I would suggest sitting down with your children and getting their input about how they feel about the holidays," Montoya said. "A blended family is unique, and you really have to listen to what your children are saying." Having a family discussion to plan the holidays can be made into its own tradition. "Your discussion will result in a special time that all can enjoy. Remember, it's about making memories and having positive times together."
Being willing to give up some long-standing family traditions might be difficult at first, but new traditions unique to your family will build special memories for your child.
Celebrate Each Child's Individuality
Each blended family is unique, just as each child is. As parents strive to create and embrace their blended family style during the holidays, they can use the opportunity to treat each child, whether biological, step or adopted, as an individual.
Respecting each child is important in order to prevent jealousies between step-siblings and a feeling of being left out during the holidays. Each child needs to feel like he belongs, no matter what home he's in. Fluellen said that showing love to each child is key to making them each feel individually appreciated.
"The most simple, yet the most incredibly important, and sometimes difficult, thing that a parent can do is to love on their child," Fluellen said. "When children truly know they are loved beyond any and all doubt, they have no need for strong feelings of jealousy during the holidays. They can better handle the crazy schedules of a blended family. They have more tolerance for any momentary negative feelings that may crop up from a situation."
Even during the hectic schedule of the holidays, parents can find time to show each child how much he is loved by sharing special moments. Bedtime is a good opportunity for a talk, or a one-on-one Christmas shopping trip at the mall with a stop for hot chocolate is perfect for quality time, even if you have to go more than once to take all the children.
Spending a little extra time with the visiting child is also important, but occupy the other children with an equally fun activity. Some of the children might watch a special Christmas movie on television, while one parent takes the visiting child out for pizza. The reason for the special date can be explained to older children who might feel left out, and being honest with them will foster compassion for their step-sibling instead of jealousy. Parents can follow the activity with an event for the entire family, such as an evening of popcorn and board games. The goal is to make everyone feel loved.
Fluellen stressed: "In the long run, when children know their parents love them, they are much more likely to become well-adjusted, compassionate adults."
Using the holidays as an opportunity to make each child in a blended family feel respected and appreciated can have long-term, positive effects on your child.
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