When Two Beds Are Better Than One
The Benefits of Sleeping in Separate Beds
It’s no secret we have a great sex life, and with this arrangement, we also have a great sleep life.
— Beverly Solomon, creative director
When you're single, it's not unusual to spend a lot of time and energy trying to wiggle your way into bed with your soul mate. But once you get married, everyone knows that some things change. Marital sex jokes aside, many happy couples choose to sleep in separate beds.
Couples Who Do It Alone
Former model and advertising account executive Beverly Solomon now runs an art and design business with her artist husband, Pablo. The pair is happily married for 35 years, and for the past 10 years, they’ve slept separately.
“Pablo and I are on opposite natural rhythms,” said Solomon, adding that she is a night owl while her hubby gets up each morning at 3 a.m. to begin working on his art. “Since we are together 24/7 and make a living with our successful international art and design business, giving each other some space keeps things going smoother.”
Margaret Miller and her husband, both restless sleepers, also sleep in separate bedrooms. Shortly after they eloped, they even lived in separate houses before moving together to a new home in El Paso, Texas.
“His room is ‘our’ room when we want time together. Otherwise, we both enjoy having a bed of our own and a place to retreat when we want to read or just be alone,” said Miller, adding that when they travel, they also book a room with two beds. “I think having separate bedrooms is the secret to a happy marriage!”
Lisa D. snores and thrashes around; her husband has nightmares and yells. After sleeping apart temporarily for a spell -- both had surgeries over the course of two years -- they discovered they preferred sleeping alone. Although they are happy with this arrangement, they keep it a secret.
“We don’t want people knowing; it seems they don’t understand. But, hey, the great kings and queens all kept separate quarters,” Lisa said, adding that she sometimes feels lonely.
Unlike Lisa D., Solomon is open about her sleeping arrangements and, in fact, says other women are envious of her situation. Her room is a bit more feminine, while Pablo’s is a “man cave” with a TV and a stack of remotes on the bed.
“It’s no secret we have a great sex life, and with this arrangement, we also have a great sleep life,” Solomon added.
Ryan Egan and his wife Sarah, of California, also openly admit they sleep apart, although they receive mixed responses.
"Some think it's weird; others usually respond that it's such a good idea they might try it," he said. Being well-rested is important to Egan and his wife.
"To keep ourselves rested, healthy and happy, we most times sleep in separate beds to give each other plenty of room to snore, have midnight dream dance parties and get some rest," he added.
Experts Agree
Psychologist Karen Sherman, Ph.D. explains that while it's customary for couples to sleep together, there can be valid reasons and advantages to sleeping in separate beds.
“Sleeping apart actually might increase desire for each other and make intimacy more provocative,” Sherman said.
Dr. John Duffy, clinical psychologist and author of "The Available Parent," agrees. He counseled a couple who decided to sleep separately because one of them suffered from sleep apnea. The couple disclosed that their sex life improved dramatically once they made the change.
“They found it fun, fresh and exciting when they were together, and they could enjoy their sexual relationship without the underlying tension the sleep issue brought to their marriage,” Duffy said.
A better night’s sleep can also lead to a better mood -- and that can equal a better relationship. Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage," says that sleep deprivation creates a number of problems that can impact a relationship, including crankiness, stress, weight gain, lack of concentration and no energy for sex.
“People who don’t get enough sleep are not as resilient and don’t have as much patience or sense of humor as they do when they are well-rested. Being a cranky partner will definitely make your relationship more prone to fighting, ignoring each other and general ill humor,” said Tessina. This can lead to less sex and less intimacy. “Lack of sexual contact is a big reason why long-term relationships fail,” she said.
Not Always Sweet Dreams
Tessina further explains that while sleeping apart can work well, it can also contribute to the disconnect that plagues many relationships.
“Couples who choose sleeping apart need to make an extra effort to connect every day and be physically close in whatever way possible,” advised Tessina. “It’s already difficult for most of the couples I work with to find time to discuss things, keep up to date with each other and solve problems together -- three main functions of a working marriage. Sleeping apart adds one more obstacle to the mix.”
Karin Wandrei, Ph.D., a licensed therapist, and her partner of 28 years have been sleeping apart for 10 years. They both have sleep apnea. She has restless leg syndrome, and her partner has fibromyalgia. Even with medication and treatment, her partner finds it too hard to sleep together. Still, the couple has a strategy to prevent the disconnect of which Tessina warns.
“We cuddle together in bed before we go to sleep, and when I wake up in the morning, I go down to her bed for about 20 minutes of cuddling, followed by a nice cuddly soak in the hot tub,” said Wandrei. “Even with this, I still hate it and really yearn for a day when I can have treatments that will allow us to sleep together.”
“Pillow talk” is also important for couples, adds Tessina. This relaxed cuddle time -- time away from phones, bills, kids, work and other distractions -- is a perk of living together. Those who do it well, she says, fare better than couples who don’t.
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