Information on Couples Giving Each Other the Silent Treatment

People in long-term relationships or marriages may find that over time, negativity has overcome them. There are markers of this downward spiral. One is the "silent treatment," another term for "stonewalling," a lack of communication that highlights a relationship in decline.

Mars or Venus?

The answer is both. While women are more often accused of using the silent treatment as a weapon, men tend to clam up first in dangerous emotional waters.

The Downward Spiral

Criticism, contempt and defensiveness are predecessors to stonewalling, or the silent treatment. When communication fails in each of these stages, the silent treatment follows.

Is It Abuse?

The silent treatment feels emotionally abusive to its target, creating feelings of invisibility and worthlessness. It is sometimes linked to passive-aggressiveness. Whether this is true in a unique relationship depends on context and the individuals.

Communication

Couples who are often engaged in the silent treatment have missed opportunities to hear each other's previous attempts to communicate, no matter how rudely or awkwardly expressed. Although this does not bode well for a lasting relationship, steps can still be taken to put things on a better course.

Tools of Repair

Mastering the arts of calming down, making specific rather than general complaints, learning how to validate your partner even when disagreeing and active listening will all help alleviate the conditions that led to the silent treatment. Couples counseling can be of great value to learn these skills. A good book to read is "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...And How You Can Make Yours Last" by John Gottman, PhD, 1994.

References

• "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail", John Gottman, PhD, 1994
• Principles for a Positive Marriage by Joyce Parker, PhD