It was pretty easy for me to pinpoint the men’s fashions that I wanted to see burn. Women’s fashion is so fluid–and I do love a good trend–that I thought it would be harder to come up with 10 trends that needed to die. But, lo and behold, here are 15 things we need to stop wearing, ladies. See you in the fitting room. (But not in, like, a weird way…)
Just, why? They’re not outright ugly or anything (see above), but no one over 30 should be wearing one. You’re basically a step away from donning an adult-sized baby onesie.
2. UGG Boots
Is your house cold in the morning? Mine, too. And I look forward to snuggling my feet into my knock-off Uggs every day. But would I wear my slippers out in the world? No. I’m neither a sexy Australian surfer nor a sheep farmer.
3. Ultra Low-Rise Anything
Back when Christina Aguilera was still a genie in a bottle, there was some allure to those stretchy jeans that seductively revealed large pointy pelvis bones. But we all know crack is whack, so find pants that stay closer to the equator.
4. Velour Sweatpants Suits
Just when I think this one is really, truly over, I spy someone at the mall with enormous adjectives displayed across their hindquarters. And no matter what word I see, I can think of only one: “NO.”
5. Enormous Earrings
Dramatic hoops; okay, those are one thing. But when the weight and size of your earrings threaten to drag your lobes down so far, you offer an obscene view of your inner ear canal, you become a threat to the public good.
6. Super Baggy Clothes
Totally in earnest: I see the one-size-fits-all phenomenon take hold with friends who are carrying a few extra pounds but they are doing themselves such a disservice. Nothing hides your perceived flaws better than well-tailored clothes that fit, so ban the big T-shirts and take yourself shopping.
7. Loud Maxi Dresses
I’m going to catch flak for this. But, let’s face it, a lot of these dresses are both so lumpy and so loud with their beach-towel prints that the wearer looks like she absconded with the window treatments from a Super 8 Motel in Miami. To keep these from being the dress equivalent of sweatpants, make sure yours fits; when they’re too long, they seem prone to dragging the wearer down the next open sewer grate.
8. Rubber Slip-on Shoes
Comfort and ease are fine and good but no excuse for slipping your soles into what look like silicone oven mitts.
9. Head-to-Toe Animal Print
If you’re starring in or producing The Lion King on Broadway, maybe you can get away with this. (Ditto if you’re over 74 and playing the slots in Atlantic City.) But if leopards could talk, they’d say “less is more.”
10. Uber-Logoed Everything
As bad as overdoing animal print, though possibly more obnoxious. When designers find it necessary to put their name all over stuff, I’m inclined to think, “Shouldn’t your goal be to make an object so distinctive, people know it’s your doing without you having to broadcast it?” I guess not.
11. Extreme Platforms
I love high heels, possibly more than the next person. But when I see a woman tottering on foot-high platforms, I wonder, what are you trying to prove? If it’s that a full-body cast will look so hot with this season’s plaids, there are better ways.
12. High-Low Dresses
Someone smarter than me has named these mullet dresses – short in front, long in back. Maybe designers are running out of ideas but I’d rather make something old new again than be caught in one of these literal drags.
13. Wedge Sneakers
I’ll admit, I have a pair of these. I like them. With the right pair of black jeans, I feel like a futuristic assassin. (Sadly, beyond the black jeans, I’ve no idea what to wear them with.) But even as I purchased them, I thought, “Wedge sneakers, how long do we have, really?” I think I now have my answer.
14. Peplums Everywhere
This was a cute embellishment… for a while. But ask any 40-something who’s still trying to pull off pigtails and you’ll hear that cute only goes so far. Finding the perfect dress and adding a ruffle right above the hips: Sort of like going on the perfect date and then punching the guy in the face at the end.
These, they don’t actually offend me. I kind of even like them. Probably because I only see them in the pages of magazines, pinned and perfected by long-limbed glamazons. But think: Has you or anyone you know worn a jumpsuit in real life? No. So this fantasy item needs to stop making us think we can pull it off. We can’t. Leave these to Gisele.
Photo credit: beautiful-dissaster @ flickr
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