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13 Valentine’s Day Gifts For Her… That Could Kill You!

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Because if you buy her one of these gifts, no judge would pursue punishment of anything bad that happened to you (even death). Gift with caution.


1. The Boyfriend Pillow ($31.95)
Nothing says, “I’m not gonna be around a lot” like a body pillow. Then again, maybe she’ll love it — you just can’t argue with 5-star user ratings like these.


2. Big Girl Panties, (Priceless)
You’re just asking for it. Photo: Afishwholikesflowers


3. The Hobo Tool from Walmart’s Ozark Trail Collection ($3.97)
Then brace yourself when you get stabbed by it after you give it to her.


4. That Cool Free Stuff They Give Out at Your Office (Free!)
She loves that you enjoy where you work, just not as much as you do.


5. The “It Is What It ” Bracelet ($19.95)
Give her your apathy this Valentine’s Day.


6. Tickets to a Dane Cook Show (Prices vary.)
‘Nuff said. Photo: Getty Images


7. “Microwave Cooking for One” by Marie T. Smith ($18.95, paperback)
“Happy Valentine’s Day, bright eyes. I’m gonna be spending a lot of time with the guys this year at various happy hours and pick-up basketball games. Start dinner without me.”


8. Love Life Calendar ($12.94)
So she can passive-aggressively rank how much she loves you every day of the year.


9. Bathroom Scale ($6.99 and up)
Although this lady looks like she’s deeply in love with her scale in this stock photo, she doesn’t want one as a gift. Photo: Getty Images


10. Belly Button Brush ($14.65 plus free shipping!)
“I love you. Also, your belly button concerns me.”


11. Last-Minute Handwritten Coupons For Stuff Like Free Hugs (Free!)
This might have played in junior high (don’t get me wrong, it’s still cute if a kid makes them for their parents for “One Free Room Cleaning” even though that’s what they’re supposed to be doing anyway), but girls see though this with laser precision.


12. Spanx ($20 and up)
Congratulations, you’ve just begun the first stage of the break-up proceedings.


13. You Singing a Ballad in Public While Strumming an Acoustic Guitar
I personally polled 17 girls over the last 24 hours and they all confirmed that a guy earnestly singing them a ballad on an acoustic guitar, in front of others, would make them “uncomfortable” and “creeped out.”

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