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8 “Sexy” Halloween Costumes and their Smart, Real-World Alternatives

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How can a celebration about dressing up in costume and eating candy (fun-sized candy, no less) be so rife with hard questions? Like, does this sexy costume make my brain look small?

I get the sexy costume thing, I do. Escapism is not a bad thing and if it’s OK to let it all hang out in a bikini, is it really that much worse to show some skin as a flesh-eating and –exposing zombie? I think not.

It’s just, well, some things are plain idiotic when you try to sex them up. So here, I give you some of this year’s unsexiest sexy costumes and their smarter real-world alternatives.

astronaut1

 

Unsexy Sexy Costume: Blast-Off Astronaut

Why It’s Unsexy: Besides the obvious “how does she pee in that thing?” question, how is she going to bounce around in zero gravity in those heels? Also, those pockets don’t look conducive to carrying dehydrated food paste, which we all know is the sexiest thing about astronauts. (Photo: SpiritHalloween)
Sexy Real World Alternative: If it’s aerospace you’re into, how about she of gravity-free gravitas, Sally Ride? If it’s science, what about Marie Curie? (Lab coats are universally flattering.) Or, make a statement by showing up as a legislator interested in restoring NASA funding. Now that’s sexy! (Photo: Wikipedia Commons)

santa

Unsexy Sexy Costume: Men’s Santa Morphsuit

Why It’s Unsexy: Is the morphsuit the male equivalent of a sexy costume, or is it just meant to terrify? When ladies say they like a strong, silent type, they don’t mean a guy with literally no mouth. (Photo: Yandy)
Sexy Real-World Alternative: Just be Santa Claus, guys – it’s ironic in October and semi-relevant considering most retailers are pimping out Christmas anyway. Beard, belly, bag of gifts… There’s nothing ladies like more than a giver. (Photo: US Embassy Canada)

crayon

Unsexy Sexy Costume: Sexy Crayon

Why It’s Unsexy: Ask yourself this: Why do you want to be a crayon? The hat, the bedazzled tutu, the whole idea of being a completely passive object while dudes go around dressed as, say, a noble king? How is a crayon remotely sexy? (Photo: SpiritHalloween)
Sexy Real World Equivalent: If it’s an artistic vibe you’re after, be Frida Kahlo. Yes, the unibrow requires confidence but more people wanted to bed Kahlo than Crayola, to be sure. (Photo: bdunnette)

lumberjack

Unsexy Sexy Costume: Sexy Lumberjack

Why It’s Unsexy: No. No. No. No. You’re felling trees in this thing? Because with the cutout top and wedgie-inducing shorts, it seems like you’re barking up a lot of wrong ones. (Photo: Yandy)
Sexy Real-World Equivalent: If you’re going for outdoorsy, be a savvy survivalist. You could go the Katniss Everdeen route (bow and arrows = instant sex appeal) or just carry a canteen, canned food, and a sheathed bowie knife. No one is going to be more desirable that a well-stocked doomsday prepper during the coming apocalypse. (Photo: AzurBlueDragon)

clown

Unsexy Sexy Costume: Striped Clown Costume

Why It’s Unsexy: We all know that this costume will inspire plenty of “you want fries with that?” pick-up lines and if that’s really what you want, well, I don’t know if I can help you. (Photo: Yandy)
Sexy Real World Equivalent: The psychotic striped clown incites so much terror that I’d have to say, if you want to be a serial murderer for Halloween, just be a cereal murderer and leave Ronald McDonald out of it. (Photo: Karen Photo)

cathat

Unsexy Sexy Costume: Sexy Storybook Cat Costume

Why It’s Unsexy: So many pleasant childhood memories tainted. Are you trying to recapture your childhood or ruin someone else’s? A pleather-ized version of the Cat in the Hat is one outfit that should not have been let out of the bag. (Photo:Yandy)
Sexy Real-World Alternative: If you really want to be someone representative of the kids’ lit game, be J.K. Rowling: Doesn’t get much better than a rich, successful and charitable woman who pulled herself up from being a struggling single mom on the dole. And if it’s the feline angle you’re after, just be the tried-and-true sexy cat – these cute cat ears will do the trick. It’s not worthy of applause but at least it doesn’t make me want to cough up a hairball. (Photo: Wikipedia Commons)

ruthe

Unsexy Sexy Costume: Sexy Straight Jacket Costume

Why It’s Unsexy: Oh, hi there, I’m a mentally unhinged woman who can’t use her arms. ‘Nuff said. (Photo: Yandy)
Sexy Real-World Alternative: How about being someone who’s on the legal side of the law? George Clooney’s wife, human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin is possessed of a good head on her shoulders and is arguably a better catch than he is. Or, treat people to your dissenting opinions with a little Ruth Bader Ginsberg action, anyone? A judge’s black robe is such an easy costume to put together, and that lace collar–sexy! (Photo: Wikipedia Commons)

ernie

Unsexy Sexy Costume: Sexy Ernie Costume

Why it’s Unsexy: This one is billed as a “Faux Denim Overalls” set, but let’s be honest: from the color scheme to the rubber duckie patch on the hind quarters, we know this is meant to be Ernie. And with that, I say there should be a rule: Do not sex-up anything from Sesame Street(Photo: Yandy)
Sexy Real-World Alternative: The thoughtful therapist who will help people work through their now-sullied memories of a beloved childhood icon. Add a clipboard, sexy thick glasses, and a sensible blazer for that legit touch. (Photo: Getty Images)

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