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10 Items Grown Men Need to Retire from Their Wardrobe Immediately

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Everyone makes a fashion faux pas now and then. But faux pas once, shame on you. Faux pas twice or more, and your date will be ashamed of you. Here, some of the wardrobe fails you must ditch, ASAP.

1. Camouflage Cargo Shorts
What’s with all those pockets? Are they holding the items you need to explore rugged terrain, or are they just crammed with balled-up receipts and Dave Matthews Band ticket stubs? If the latter, lighten your load and give the cargos the heave-ho. (Paired-off men: These are acceptable for yard work–the camouflage can stay only if you’re trying to hide from the neighbors.)

2. Fedoras
Here is the test of whether you can wear a fedora or not: Are you Frank Sinatra or Indiana Jones? If the answer is no, the hat has to go.

3. Speedos 
Okay, so you vacationed Europe once and everyone was wearing them. That was Europe. Unless you have the lithe torso and narrow hips of a late ‘60s Mick Jagger, you cannot pull these off. (Well, you can pull them off… to put on a normal pair of swim trunks.)

4. Frankenstein Shoes 
Clunky early ‘00s dress shoes with inch-thick soles may have been comfortable and forgiving but if your arrival can be heard well before you’re nearby, treat those kicks like the villagers did Frankenstein’s monster: Torch them.

5. Novelty Tees
Have a shirt that prompts your meathead-iest friend to say, “Hilarious shirt, bro!?” (Think: Anything that labels you FBI, as in “Federal Breast Inspector,” anything that loudly proclaims a love of bacon or anything that “humorously” advertises your sexual prowess to all women within reading distance.) Ditch it. Even the tuxedo T-shirt is classier.

6. Shell Necklaces
You bought it on Spring Break, because everyone on MTV’s Spring Break had one. But your days of Spring Break self is long gone, and the puka shells should rest soundly at the bottom of your sock drawer.

7. Deep V-Necks
Sure, the Deep V had its moment several years ago. That said, even if you’re Channing Tatum, Zac Efron and Ryan Gosling rolled into one impossibly-chested hybrid human, there is no excuse.

8. Man-pris
I don’t even know where men find these, as they arrived on the sartorial scene and quickly faded. But find them, some of you do, and you just leave the rest of us confounded and asking, “Why?”

9. Running Shoes… Every Single Day
Don’t get me wrong–running shoes have their place: at the gym, the track, on leisurely walks around the neighborhood with the dog, at home while doing yard work. Of course, maybe you have a job that requires you to stand all day–there are exceptions. But at the office? On dates at nice restaurants and bars? If comfort is your concern, invent in shoe insoles.

10. Over-adorned Denim
Are the back pockets of your jeans cluttered with rhinestones and stitching as thick as yarn? Those were strange days for jeans and guys, weren’t they? 7 For All Mankind? True Religion? Juicy Couture for Men? Strange days, indeed.

Photo credit: istolethetv via Flickr

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