Funeral Home Etiquette

Funerals have their own etiquette.

Attending a funeral for the first time can be intimidating. Funeral guests often have questions about what is expected. Appropriate dress, how to approach the family, what to say and even what not to say can be confusing. By understanding some simple rules of etiquette, a funeral guest can be comfortable participating in this solemn event.

First Response

Phone calls to the family are an important first response.

When a death occurs, it is customary to contact the family with a brief visit to the home or a phone call. Many people deliver food and paper goods to help with out-of-town guests. Disposable food containers should be used so the family is relieved of the burden of returning things after the funeral. Emails, sympathy cards and mass cards are appropriate.

Viewing and Visitation

Guest registers help the family know who attended the visitation.

A visitation is often scheduled for the day before the funeral service. This allows family and friends to view the body and greet the family in a conversational setting. Visitation hours are published in the newspaper or on the funeral home's website.

People who knew the decedent, but not the family should introduce themselves. Conversations should be brief. It is customary to spend a moment at the open coffin in prayer or meditation. After visiting with the family, guests may remain with others in attendance. There is usually a guest register for visitors.

What Not to Wear

Somber outfits reflect the solomn nature of the occasion.

Viewing and funeral attire convey respect for the family of the deceased and reflect the solemn nature of the occasion. For that reason, sparkly or revealing evening wear is not appropriate.

While solid black apparel is no longer required, muted somber colors of greys, dark blues, browns and black are typically worn, says Jeffrey Wolowiec of Parkside Chapels in Chicago. Shoulders should always be covered and women often bring sweaters or shawls. Tank tops, shorts, short skirts and jeans are not appropriate.

What Not to Say

Some of the kindest words are never spoken.

Kind words of remembrance and expressions of sympathy bring healing to the family. If the family wants to talk, they usually just want to share their feelings and don't need or expect a response. Often a hug, holding a hand or just the mere presence of a guest speaks volumes.

Guests should avoid saying such phrases as "I know exactly how you feel," "She is better off this way," "Aren't you happy he's in heaven," "Things will go back to normal in a few months," "Now you can get on with your life" and "She wouldn't want you to be sad," according to the Fairmont Funeral Home in Pasadena, Texas. Though well-intentioned, these statements diminish the grief experience by putting limiting factors on the present reality of the loss. It is also not appropriate to ask how the decedent died, as this requires the family to retell the story.

The Service

Cars in the processional follow the hearse with their lights on.

Funerals services may be held at a church, synagogue, temple, residence or funeral home. Guests should quietly arrive 10 to 15 minutes early to be seated when the family enters, according to the Herron Funeral Home in Warren, Ohio. While the service is usually conducted by a clergy member, friends and family members may contribute thoughts, anecdotes or eulogies.

At the end of the service, people driving in the processional to the cemetery line up with their headlights on. Guests not attending the burial should leave promptly, so the family can proceed without interruption.

References

• Herron Funeral Home: Funeral Etiquette
• Family Estate: Funerals
• Fairmont: Consoling and Funeral Etiquette

Resources

• GriefShare: Grief Recovery Support Groups