Marriage Counseling After an Affair
According to Peggy Vaughan, author of the book "The Monogamy Myth," about 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women have extramarital affairs. It's a serious problem, but it doesn't automatically mean the marriage is over. Many couples can heal the rift, but it may require professional assistance.
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Definition
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The Mayo Clinic says there are many different definitions for having an affair. It usually means one person has a sexual relationship with someone outside of the marriage. However, some spouses consider a strong connection and emotional intimacy to be a form of cheating. Some see viewing pornography, having an online relationship or indulging in phone sex as infidelity. Often, a husband and wife will have differing definitions. This causes strain when one partner does not believe he was unfaithful because he did not have a physical relationship with another person, while his wife believes his actions count as an affair.
Causes
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Extramarital affairs have a wide variety of causes. The Mayo Clinic cites sexual problems, low self-esteem, feelings of discontent with the relationship, sex addiction or a need for more affection. Substance abuse, loneliness, feelings of being neglected and emotional vulnerability can also lead to cheating. These issues can all be treated by marriage counseling if the couple is motivated.
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Solution
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There are several steps to healing after an affair. The Mayo Clinic advises both partners must be willing to put forth the required effort. The person who cheated must take responsibility for her choice and immediately cut off contact with the other person. The couple must then create mutually agreeable goals and set up ways to restore trust. Eventually, the person who had the affair must be fully forgiven. These steps are often overwhelming for a couple when both parties are still reeling from the revelation of an affair. They may need professional help to set up and carry out a realistic plan.
Assistance
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The Mayo Clinic recommends getting help from a marriage counselor with experience in helping couples heal after an affair. The counselor acts as a neutral sounding board and provides guidance in the recovery process. Most states require counselors to have a master's degree, specialized training and experience to quality for the licensed title marriage and family therapist. Some counselors also choose to be certified by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Time Frame
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American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy says marriage counseling usually runs between 12 and 50 weekly sessions. Post-affair counseling generally runs on the longer end of this time frame, but the actual number of sessions depends on each couple's specific situation. The counselor may conduct some individual sessions as well as the couples work.
Warning
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The Mayo Clinic warns not all marriages can be salvaged after an affair. The breach in trust is sometimes too severe to mend. This is especially true if there have been multiple instances of cheating. A marriage counselor can help couples evaluate whether their efforts are working or whether divorce might be a better option for their particular situation. The counselor should be willing to provide an objective assessment.
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References
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