Child Discipline & Child Behavior

Discipline: Changing Inappropriate Behavior

In order to function in society, parents discipline children to teach socially acceptable behavior. Effective discipline teaches a child how to behave at school, build friendships, and regulate his own impulses. Parent definitions of socially acceptable behavior vary as do the different techniques that may be used to achieve it. In addition, the techniques are not one-size-fits-all. Generally speaking, discipline techniques fall into the punitive and non-punitive categories.

Punitive Techniques

These techniques apply an unpleasant consequence or punishment to the unwanted behavior. The child learns to avoid the behavior in order to avoid the punishment. Examples of this technique include spanking, scolding, isolation or time-outs and loss of privileges. Proponents of this approach believe it is the best way to achieve control of a child. Robert J. MacKenzie, Ed.D, sees the downside, "Parents who use the punitive approach often find themselves in the roles of police detective, judge, jailer, referee, and probation officer."

Non-Punitive Techniques

Harville Hendrix, PHD, asserts that, with non-punitive techniques, the parent "...uses his child's behavior as an opportunity to teach rather than punish." Examples include logical consequences, praise and rewards, modeling, reasoning and loving guidance. Critics contend that more permissive practices don't work, while those in favor dismiss failures by claiming the techniques were not applied correctly.

Consistency

Regardless of which technique a parent chooses, experts are united on one front: limits should be set consistently. As MacKenzie explains, "Children raised with firm limits learn to tune into our words, to take them seriously, and to cooperate more often when asked." Soft limits, or changeable rules, send the child mixed messages that invite the children to test the limits through arguing or defiance.

Considerations

The child's age, gender, and temperament make a difference in the effectiveness and appropriateness of the chosen discipline. Reasoning is ineffective with toddlers, who have yet to master language. Many of those who support spanking believe it is inappropriate for teens. Parental disapproval may so upset a sensitive child that no further action is needed. Whereas a strong-willed child may need repeated consequences before learning a desired behavior.

Misconceptions

Parents often believe that anger must accompany a punishment for a child to understand and learn. Dr. Zahn-Waxler says the kind of discipline a child receives should "help the child regulate emotion, to calm down rather than become more agitated." She advises parents to stay calm: "The more emotionally aroused you are, the more aroused the child is likely to become. Hitting or screaming at a child results in anger and fear and interferes with the child's ability to care for others."

References

• "Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child"; Robert J. MacKenzie, Ed.D; 2001
• "Giving the Love That Heals - A Guide for Parents"; Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen Hunt, M.A., M.L.A.; 1997
• "The New York Times"; Empathy's Natural, but Nurturing It Helps; Jane E. Brody.
• "Learn the Bible"; Eight Misconceptions About Spanking; David Reagan