The Advantages of School Bullying

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Parents, teachers and administrators have long held and promoted the position that school bullying is mean, hurtful and detrimental to learning. Studies from UCLA show that bullying is "pervasive, disruptive and serious," and that kids who are subjected to bullying are more likely to develop depression and social anxiety, but these professional researchers just don't understand that being a bully has a lot of perks. So, the next time your parents or teachers tell you to stop being a cruel and vicious bully, just remember that you would miss out on some great advantages.

You'll Always Have Lunch Money

  • The stereotypical bully action amongst elementary and middle school kids is stealing lunch money. Bullies have the privilege of taking whatever they want from weaker kids and that can include money. Bullies tend to prey on smaller children because they are easier targets, but a well-established bully, like an oppressive warlord, can demand tribute from any kid in the school. Bullies never think about how their actions affect their victims and it doesn't bother a bully that victims will go hungry or that depriving them of food repeatedly may lead to anemia or other protein deficiencies and health problems. All that matters to a bully is the fact that the extra $1.40 they steal from other kids can be used to buy a couple of ice cream sandwiches for themselves. Ice cream sandwiches are indisputably delicious, and therefore worth the bullying.

You Get Toadies

  • Becoming a bully of superior rank and reputation gains respect and admiration amongst some kids. Kids who would normally want to be bullies--but who just aren't quite brave enough to pull off such actions on their own--will seek out established bullies and cling to them like a remora to a tiger shark. These kids are called toadies or lackeys. They form a gang of support around a bully, and they do the bully's dirty work. Having toadies is like having a small horde or army at your command. They help come up with insults, they hold kids down while you beat them up, and they enforce your decisions. A bully must be careful and keep a close watch on toadies, because sometimes they will get overly-confident and they may try to take control away from you.

More Free Days

  • Being a school bully always will include occasional punishments from the administration. Bullies are frequently sent to the principal's office, and detentions are a common way to spend an afternoon. If your actions are severe, you might be lucky enough to get suspended. Forget about the fact that suspensions and other behavioral punishments will stay on your permanent record, making it difficult to get a job or get into college, and the fact that multiple suspensions can lead to expulsion--which can completely devastate your chances at having a promising future. A suspension means you get to miss a few days of school.

Training for Potential Careers

  • Your experience as a bully can prove to be beneficial training for some future careers. Bullies exist in other realms than just the schoolyard, and many young school bullies have successfully made the transition to adult workplace bullies. While bullies can be found in any profession, there are certain careers in which bullies thrive. For example, bullying behavior fits in perfects with qualifications for the mafia and bullies make great intimidators for such organizations. The business world is also full of bullies and successful ones too. Some famous examples of corporate bullies in cinema are Buddy Ackerman, from "Swimming with Sharks," and Biff Tanner, from the "Back to the Future" trilogy, both of whom were sort of rich and somewhat successful. They also were completely detested by everyone around them, but that's a small price to pay.

Increased Muscle and Strength

  • Engaging in bullying behavior has many benefits, including the opportunity to build muscle mass and stamina. Bullies frequently have to catch their victims, hold them down and beat them up. These kinds of actions, if done often enough, provide a great source of strength training for a bully. Bullies don't need to lift weights. They build up their biceps by repeatedly dunking heads in toilets or throwing dodge balls. This is especially helpful because it means that bullies don't have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for a gym membership.

You'll Always Get the Girl

  • As a school bully, you'll have your pick of pretty girls. The only problem is, you won't be able to hang on to any of them. During teenage years, bullies have an advantage at dating, since their "bad boy" image appeals to naïve teen girls who don't know any better. A bully will be able to pick any girl he wants. Unfortunately for bullies, once they get out of high school most girls realize that they don't appreciate being pushed around, and that they actually want to date nice guys, not bad boy bullies. Also, there is research that suggests that "bullying and domestic violence are cyclical," meaning someone who is a bully in school is more likely to engage in violent acts against his spouse later in life. But as long as you, like many school bullies, are attempting to make high school the pinnacle and highlight of your life, the fact that you'll never be able to maintain a serious and stable adult relationship shouldn't bother you.

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  • Photo Credit morguefile.com/archive/display/611231
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